Live For The Moment

Summer 2011

2011-08-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

Got flown to Ohio, touched down, Melissa & Jonah took me out to some fabulous pho. Stayed at their pad for a week+, spent alot of time spinning, some times run errands with Grimm. Drove up with Jonah to Kinetic Fire Fest in Chicago, met Rem (this russian fan spinner) before the sun was even up. Met Asaf a few minutes later, and got to see my good eccentric genius friend Alien Jon. Later on, help build a dome in 3 hours out on an open field. LED spin jam happened through out the night, drinking tea with Nicky Evers, Alien Jon, Zan and Aileen and a bunch of other midwest spinners.

The next few days were filled with teaching workshops, learning, exchanging stories and ideas, met Charlie Cushing on that day. Went to Walmart with me driving Charlie, Alien Jon and Asaf. At night were some epic fire spin jams that went on till late.

Rain was heavy during one of the day of the festival, alot of us hid at the barn and taught workshops there. That night when the spin jam was outside the barn, it was pretty epic and went on till the sun nearly came up. Spent the sunrise with Christian Medina and a guy named Fox from Michigan talking about travelling, life, spinning.

Before I went back to Los Angeles, went out with Bells & Graham to Dancing Wasabi in Ohio. Epic

Kinetic Fire Fest, had an amazing time and made many life lasting connections.

Flew back to Los Angeles and drove up to Firedrums not long after with Jennifer and Tea Faerie. Firedrums, too much craziness to talk about. Epic workshops, epic talent, too much to take in. Rastaxel, Tom Charot, Thomas Johansson, LOOOP, Mcp, Rem, Asaf, Keith Marshall.

Help drove a family up to Portland, stop in San Francisco and hung out with a bunch of spinners and Portland with Cameron Dollinger.

Flew back to Los Angeles and 10 hours later was a on a 6hour flight out to Minnesota, was picked up by Ase and Sandra with Ase's kid Aedyn. Hung out at Ase's place a bunch, went out for pho behind his house one of time. And head out to Camp Fire, set up tent with him and hung out a bunch with Loki, Mojo, Ase, Exuro and a bunch of the MN kids, taught workshops, took workshops, hung out with a bunch of MN spinners, aspired, inspired, learn and taught. Got to hang out with Paul Greenbaum, Bliss, Thom Thumb, Alien Jon, Noel and a bunch of others.

Flew back to Los Angeles, and not long after left for Malaysia, after a 30+ hour flight with layovers, we passed out on the floor of Hong Kong Airport. Flew to KL, a few hours of layover and finally reached our final destination, after 30 something hours, we head straight to Petanak market and had two bowls of Kueh Chap. Spent the next two weeks, eating alot of Laksa and amazing Kueh Tiaw, hung out with high school friends, and childhood friends that I havent seen in more than a decade and my grandmas and family. Had our Kuching wedding, and our wedding dance was our partner poi set.

Left Kuching and spent 2 days in Genting Highland and then later on met up with Aifique, Crimmy and Ji Man, had an informal workshop in KL, then we had an amazing fire spin jam at Urbanscapes Art Festival in Kuala Lumpur.

We left KL and landed in Bangkok and took a taxi for 400baht to Khao San road, we tried to look for our budget guesthouse that I booked but somehow found out the road is basically a 3 feet wide alley way, after looking for it a while we ended up following a 5/6 year old boy down the alley way, after 8 or 9 turns into the maze we end up at our budget guesthouse Amarin Inn.

Spent a couple days at Khao San road, Prahatit Park, did some shopping, ate alot of Pad Thai and Tom Yum for really cheap. Met up with Kristi Knupp, spun some poi with her and got some information about Pai. We all got foot massages, fish spa and took a tuktuk around town for fun.

The next day we had a full body thai massage, couldnt believe I only had one massage the whole time we were there. Visited the Grand Palace, Wat Pho, Golden Buddha in Chinatown, took water taxis, roam around Thailand and rode elephants and watched the show Siam Niramit.

Took a 12hour train ride to Chiang Mai and hop on a 3hour van ride not to long after and end up in Pai. Got tattoos, rented bikes and cruise around, had Pad See Ew and more Pad Thai, fruit shakes, went to the Jungle Bar. Left Pai and was back in Chiang Mai after 2 nights.

Rested in Chiang Mai and head to hunt down Babylon Cafe in Chiang Mai, heard of fire spinning happens there on Saturday night. Met some Thai fire spinners, got together with them and spun with them. Epic!

Left Thailand and headed to Singapore to do a series of 4 day workshops. Met Singaporean spinners, taught workshops, walked around Orchard Road and thanks to Xyn for making it happen for us.

37165 miles, done .. next stop Burning Man )'(

The Spirit Molecule

2011-01-10T11:54:00.000-08:00

so last night i learned, despite time, continous space of infinite and dimensions . our brainwave and our energy do fuse and one self can connect with the other being and become one, and learning about the purest of trust just base on a single touch of the fingers . i couldnt see her face, i couldnt hear her, we were floating endlessly through a sea of space and dimensions that is beyond any human comprehension . it was truly beautiful, the music floats and wrap around us and took us to places we would never imagine, there was no self, there was just mere existence, there was no limbs, there was no skin, nothing, just an invisible pure existence that was next to me, and even with all that, we did not communicate in our 16bit language that we speak, people call the human language, we were mere existence just existing in infinite space and beyond the stars . ill continue to pursue this answer, or question . is there such a thing as souls connected between realms? such tranquil connection that one do not need to speak or even see the other person, but knowing that soul is right next to them regardless despite traveling between realms and dimensions there was no bias stories or rumors prior to the experience, it was purest of the pure that anything sincerity could ever define . there was no specific destination or experience we were trying to achieve . how ironic it is, that we just went with the flow and wherever the flow took us . just to find out later on, its the place that people yearn to be and find . besides trust, another thing that i kinda learn, that place cant be found or track down or just visit at will . simplicity in the end is the best method, the place comes and take you .. not to be found, not to be go anytime of the day . the flow and streams of life, dimensions, universe comes and bring you to it, not the other way around ...

godspeed to you, may whoever reads that, i sincerely hope that you will be at the place and realm you belong in ..

Default World

2010-10-22T01:17:00.000-07:00

47 days back in the default world as they called it . people sometimes asked me, so 'hows it going?' what can i say . ill try to put it as simple as possible, those 3 pictures represent so much, so so much that an average person will ever know or experience .

ever hear of those stories of a prophet who came from a far away land and tell stories about magic and faraway adventures that all the kids imagination run wild . what if i tell you those stories could be true? would you believe me? what if i tell you the prophet exist? would you believe me? how you ask, where you ask . the prophet didnt come and tell me those stories, i myself have turned into the prophet .

iv spoke to many where all of them turned silent, eyes glimmer, jaw dropped, hope found, inspiration over leak . i do not lie or exaggerate my stories, 80 year old men bewildered on my stories, mid 30s ladies eyes fill with tears of joy and hope . it proves to me that age doesnt bring wisdom nor experience on life, your choices and who you are deep inside bring you places, your passion, dedication, heart, hope brings you places and enables you to tell such of a place and experience .

burning man aint no desert rave . its such an insult for those who say those words, its not even close, its not about the naked people running around . dont act like you know, or act like youv been when you dont even know . dont judge a person you yourself has never been in their shoes . do you know? what life means? do you know what success means? do you know what creativity means? inspiration?

so i was there for 7 days, it took me 4 days .. to 'get it' . not to get what the place is . but to get what life is . what life is about . its not about that car, not about that ipod or that pimp jacket . its about passion, its about love . its about going for your dreams and really being what you wanna be, if you wanna be a wizard, a ninja, a cook, literally you go for that and do not fear what others think of you . and that place allows you to strip down to your very core and be what you truly wanna be, sometimes we do not know what we are inside or what we wanna be or become till we are truly in that realm where it is possible . reading this you may think you know who or what you really are . but trust me, if you havent been to burning man ... you dont .. 100% period .. you dont ..

the man burns in 316 days

Black Rock City

2010-08-23T23:42:00.003-07:00

in 144hours the gates to this city you are lookin at will be opened . and its only open 7 days a year, once a year . i have never been, iv heard of it for many years. and i cant really believe im 6 days away from it . the feeling is so surreal, i could already feel the anticipation of other 50000 citizens that im gonna be living with for 7 days . they come from all shapes and forms and shapes, sizes, race, ethnicity, background, location. all there to embrace the one common goal, that is life itself . creativity unlike no order will be born . the city itself is an art, and all the people that will be there will make it unlike no other .

another unbelievable thing is i was talkin to a buddy of mine that we managed to get on the band wago to experience for the first time . we both agree that it feels like a test to get there . preparation has been made many many months before hand, money saved, plans made, tickets bought . and dealing with all the other shit that life has to offer many months . iv been to many parties and many events, but this is not only a party, but also a spiritual journey, i know its gonna test my physical, mental, spiritual limits . we both felt that our entire life that we have lived, every single moment and bits and pieces of it is leading up to this moment, the moment im talkin about, is people say "when you leave your door step of your house, you're at burning man"

so for us it will be on the 28th sunday morning

Forgive

2010-07-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

it was saturday evening, i thought i was ready for another go close to 10months since the last experience , and was warned that it was gonna be intense, and a person who was well experienced got lost in the desert for a good 2 hours without water, and had stick in his hand bleeding literally believed he was walking through hell only to have his friends miraculously and literally saved him from heat stroke and death .

approx and hour and a half later, i was floored as they say, and nothing of any sort has ever ever happened to me like that i thought to myself . i even tried writing notes on my phone as we went through the night to try to keep my thoughts in order and for me to review em when i finally woke up from this dream .

i hated on the newbies i wrote, "they all sound the same after one point" he said . i shook my head in disappointment, they all do not sound the same, an experienced person will know where to look for the right beats to bring you to that better place . theres so much more substance than just being there, it is much more complex than that . there is connectivity with the beat, the people who were present, everyone was somewhat connected as one tribe, presenting their most creative and artistic way they could flow or present their soul to their surroundings . i could not stand by him, i could not bear to know a person who was standing next to me had no knowledge or frequency of how complex this current times are . i had to run, shamelessly admitting, i had to run away from that . and i did

there was no coincidence i found the people i yearn for a couple minutes after that even when i was suppose to meet them somewhere else .

but here is when something came and took over, something that was not approved of my mind and soul happened . something i could not grasp with reality on a parallel direction happened . i found myself lost, heartbroken, upset, scared, confused . this was when reality, time and depth got distorted really badly . it was like a nightmare . i couldnt believe what i just saw, i told myself "wake up wake up its just a bad dream thats all . i was the only who saw this, i made it up in my head" i found myself later sitting somewhere alone, not too long after it happened . i was in this place of darkness, for god knows how long, i couldnt speak, cause there was no words in my mind, i could not cry, there was no tears to be shed, i was not scared, there was no fear to be had, i was at this place where it had no name, no light, no sound, no emotions, just this bare emptiness and just existed without any reason . i was nothing

i opened my eyes to see someone sitting in front of me and the first words i spoke was "this isnt real right? that just did not happen right? i made it up right?" i repeated a few times . and the person who sat next to me looked at me and said "yes that just did, and no you didnt make that up, im sorry, and no its not ok" i was really sad that it was real and relief that i woke up from that dark place . but couldnt really tell if i was relief to be awake or rather it be a dream even if it would take eternity to wake up from .

glared into my eyes, i think i could have cried, i couldnt be certain . i asked "what would you do if you were me?" the answer that was given after a few moments of silence was "in what world, in what world would it be ok for me to do that to you? if it so exist, you have to teach me how to love, and trust you again"

to step it up to the next level, to dig deep within your soul . i found a way that i thought i would never never ever would, to sacrifice myself, my pride, my love, myself as a whole to another person . to completely utter gave myself up to be a gift to another person . to be able to tell that person, i forgive you . cause i know if i were to be in that position it would be even harder of a task to forgive myself and heal .

flow was then unleashed not too long after, i didnt had much to go back to, except the flow that i had, released anger, the sadness, the disbelief in one shot . time was still distorted, so did reality, even though iv travelled there once before and told myself that its all gonna come back, just not panic and it will fall back to pieces like sands of time .

30 hours later 5:11am i woke up again . and to have finally accept reality as it is, or at least took in consideration to truly believe in my head as for now we live in this one . i never thought it was possible for a human to shed tears for close to 24hours, the tears just came down and down like rain from the other person . and i found myself here sitting in the dark, pretty much emptiness and left with this dream that has taken place, but this time with no fear of ever not waking up cause i know the sun is rising not too long from now and hope & strength & belief will return at least to me, or this current state of reality that i believe i live in .

The Man Burns In 58 Days

2010-07-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

the man burns in 58 days . possibly the highlight of my whole 2010 . been plannin on this trip a few months back . got the low income ticket, saving up for supplies and gear to be out there in the desert for 7 straight days . very likely this trip will change my life and also the way i view the world possibly . if many of you are not sure what im talkin about . heres a link

Stomp

2010-03-05T21:45:00.001-08:00

Location, Bear Mountain California . I really doubt there is another place like Bear, well maybe besides Whistler, a few mountains in Japan or maybe Korea? But its a small mountain 250acres approx . But its rank one of the best snowboard parks in the country . Fighting with huge mountains like Mammoth, Park City, Lake Tahoe etc . Which is literally maybe 15-20 times bigger . The park setup seriously is pretty legit . Progressive jibs and kickers where you can progress your park riding .

The vibe is truly something else, the crowd is young, vibrant, colorful, some come here to be seen, some to see . Its partially a place where its just not about the snowboarding, but also a place to look hip or cool while riding, most people here dress up, get all geared up . But anyways the top picture is one of the Bear Mtn riders, Chris Bradshaw, he aint no olympian or double cork 1260 mctwist . But he is Mr.Steezy, he makes the simple things, well not really simple, but he makes it looks good . A big big fan of his I am .

Perspective

2010-02-25T07:57:00.000-08:00

life & reality? same thing? i really dont know . but i know life is part of reality and reality is a perspective of one's view . for example, one could see yellow another could see blue . is that too far of a difference? but then again what about white and black? well its not about how different it is, but in someway or another it relates doesnt it . and i do notice i only post things here when my perspective are not the best colors usually . but then again its just a perspective of my own .

i love to sometimes wish all this would go away, or i can push the reset button . where i could kinda go back a lil or at least hide from this color . maybe be back 9000 miles? maybe turn the hands of time? maybe could do this or that a lil differently?

but then again i guess out of many people, and acquaintances and people i know, their view on my reality or perspective may vary from different colors at all time . lifes aint all about snowboarding, or living the dream here in the states . theres alot of greyish black times . when things dont go my way . the feeling of running out of time, lagging the in race of life, tight financial binds . And this time is one of em ..

or lets forward time, and ill look back on this post ...
sigh

Gratification

2009-12-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

another winter has arrived, due to some issues, i couldnt make it up to mammoth this season . the downside of it, i think about it everyday and night literally, its like an old romance . i see her shadow everywhere i go, i see familiar faces near the lifts and when they turn around, complete strangers . i sit near the patio waiting for people to say hi to me, every single person that walked pass has no connection with me . instead of 3500acres of riding, i downsize to 200acres, instead of 30lifts and running wild on the mountain, im just lapping the same chair all day . well i guess thats life aint it, whatever gets thrown to you, you make the best out of it . on the brightside, im still here shredding, working on my park game . i got a pass for the mountain, im unemployed, but i have the key to access to be able to ride . i have a friend who lives up at the mountain, so i can crash at his place anytime . so instead of lookin what i dont have, like mammoth, i look at what i have, i have a great chance not to be left behind, i have the chance to work on my jibbing and kickers . i have a chance to rack up many days this season due to unemployment . FOCUS is the word . focus on things that i have and i can acheive, anything that is beyond my control, let it be . ive done my part

2 Hours After Turning 26

2009-11-24T02:08:00.000-08:00

26yrs old all of a sudden . well not really all of sudden, but anyways you get the point . im married, yeap . crazy life . i guess many people were shock that i got married, and suprise . but isnt that what i always do anyways? suprise people with my crazy decisions in life and going all out for the things i love . things are starting to shift now, towards the positive side . i can feel it, im very sure im not comforting myself or whatsoever . but things seriously are shifting slowly but surely towards the light . life itself is a dream, its a prespective that we put ourselves in . at times we cant help it but to be in a dark place, sometimes in a brigther place, but sweet times are always easy to take in, its how we handle the dark times . never giving up, persistently chasing after that potential of being in that better place .

a year ago, i celebrated it in mammoth . a year before got drunk with 30 asians in a club called v20 in long beach . this year i got caught off guard, cause of limited funds but thanks to my wife jennifer and alfred whom we recently met . pulled out some magic from their hats and truly got to make me smile .

live for the moment . the moment is always now

Count Your Blessings

2009-10-28T02:11:00.000-07:00

its 2:12am . about 15hours ago . i woke up . i saw the sun, wind was blowing strong outside the window . i was excited about life and its potential . i was craving for life . and 15hours later, things has turned 180 degrees . my saviour, my closest person iv been sleeping next to for months, told me shes in that hesitation mode again . she doubts herself, doubts me, doubts us, doubts the potential that we are able to acheive, iv been fighting over and over for a while now to build this power house of trust, to tell her to take my hand and ill lead her to the promised land, even if it means die trying . yet she has so many fears and doubts that it might fail, that its a risk, that it will mean losing everyhing to her and gaining nothing but a shot at life.

i took two sleeping pills, i hate the fact that my emotions are so messed up that i need sleeping pills to help me to sleep, to overcome this wall of emotions that im climbing . im not asleep yet . this is one of the toughest times in my 25yrs of life . its the darkest of all times . i have not work for almost 6 months, i cant go to school . i cant do anything . my life has been put on hold, and i feel like i see the light and im almost there, then i look back to find that im nowhere near the light .

iv been following tsewer beta for many years now, he has produce a few tracks that is absolutely worth paying to it in your ipod . "count your blessings" is one of em that im listenin to now . i feel it tells an amazing story and it help keeps me sane . cause it reminds me not to swallow the hold box of sleeping pills, it reminds me that im stronger than that, that i can overcome this and look back and laugh . it reminds me to count my blessings, the blessings i have, my family, my health, my sight, my hearing, my touch .

sometimes we all just forget how beautiful we are and we need something to reminds us that we are, indeed beautiful .

www.myspace.com/tsewerbeta

The Trip

2009-10-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

it was friday night 9th october 2009 . we decided to go hang out at her friend's place . 12:17am and 4:18am was the time the mental vacation begin cause of the consumption . total duration of the mental vacation was 33 hours 28 minutes . into this dream like state . never really slept the whole time and yet i was dreaming awake . reality has been distorted, memory lost, patterns would be seen on potraits and walls and on stairs . another world was appearing to me with the reflection of light on the ceiling in a room of darkness . literally . i was convinced i could see another world through a shadow that at that point in time look like a window .

the sun came up, we were outside . had no clue where i was or where we were going . the sun was in my face, i look at my girlfriend and i asked myself "who is she? where am i? where are we going? what am i?" all those questions instantly came to mind, but due to fatigue, i decided to walk along aimlessly and just hope im in safe hands . later on we got back to the house . memory lost took full throttle, as a baby born with a blank slaid . i return to that state . where i couldnt remember my name, how many languages i speak, what is a brother? and how does he look like . to the core essense of life itself . i was questioning all these questions in my head yet the answers were coming back at the same time at rapid speed, im convinced it came back faster than light speed . all the pieces was put back together not at once, but as if how Merlin could move objects .

saturday night, i was convinced that the room which was literally home, was a figment of my imagination, a creation of my mind . the sound that came out from the tv was talking to me, even a movie iv seen before by jim carrey turned purple cartoonish background and there were lil purple planets and stars hovering in the background of that movie like a cartoon, so it has to be in my head . the loneliness i felt was amplified . forever seems to take on a new meaning . i was running around the house lookin for her, and it seems like a nightmare where the door would close behind me and i would see part of her going into the room . paranoia was at its best . i couldnt be sure, cause reality was already distorted . finally i came to a theory that they were plotting against me, not wanting me to wake up to the real world, which is reality . cause i asked her many times "where am i?" . she answered "you're here" but that wasnt the answer i wanted to hear . i wanted to know why am i in this dream like state .

despite the moving seeds in that potrait, city on the ceiling peering through a window that was made out of light in a room of darkness, monster in the backyard with one eye, the streams of water flowing against gravity which the stairs evolve into . im more interested to go back there and control the paranoia and memory lost . but at the same time .. it took friday night to sunday morning to completely return to reality .

the memory still lingers and i will never look at anything ever the same again

The 4am Dream

2009-07-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

when things catch you by suprise . you find yourself in this state where everything kinda slows down in that point of time and yet the things and moments that just passed seems like a dream . words cant express or explain to yourself where you are in time . "who needs sleep, when you're living the dream" she said . is it possible to feel like a kid again? when the actual age has already reach mid twenties? is it possible to feel naive again? is it possible to feel a few lifetimes wouldnt be enough to live this life?

the starting phase seems surreal and it evolves into a stage where as the fear emerges of losing that dream state you are in, and it goes into another dimension where as the fear has immerse itself into the mist, instead of worrying about all of this being gone, you worry instead that 5 lifetimes wouldnt be enough for the things that are ahead . the thought of the potential being so bright just overwhelms you and you feel like you're lost in this space in this dimension that doesnt coexist with reality itself .

living the dream ..

Summer Massives

2009-05-25T02:36:00.000-07:00

what i love about the summers in Los Angeles, as much as i love snow, summers in LA are magical . there are tons of good movies always coming out during summers, and when i was about to give up LA 5years ago, the thing that came and saved me and changed my mind was that summer, where i met alot of people and the parties just were endless . in a way every summer is the same, and in a way its different, the things that are the same is usually if you put yourself out there, you're gonna meet tons of people and its ever changing environment . the side cast, the characters are always different but the main role is you and you're the one who takes lead to this epic summer tale .

that picture above is a 'massive' . the first one i attended was in summer 05 which was 35000 people, and over the years as you can see it went up to 65000 attendes, and this summer, i think they are expecting 100,000 people, not only in numbers but they have also extended their duration from a day, now it will be 2 days, people from all over come to this event, hawaii, northern cali, miami, nyc, im sure people from out of the country too .

content, they have rides, fireworks and very very loud music, electric dance music is the root, and it goes down to sub genres which are trance, progressive trance, psy trance, dubstep, breaks, drum and bass etc . it takes a special frequency in your brain to accept the waves, beats and tones of edm . it just doesnt come with you when you're born, its an evolution of your mind to be on that level . i love Trance .

beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say, so are massives, it could be hell, chaos, phones just wont work, losing your friends in the massive crowd of people and lights, music pumping into your skull like its about to explode, people on substance, you'll feel lost in all the chaos, it would feel like lucifer himself has landed on earth .

on the other hand, it could be like enuma elis, where this would be tiamat's head, the paradise, the solace, the sanctuary that you've been looking for, where you become one with the music and all the sorrows of tomorrow will be swept away . it will be the lost city of lights, where the celebration of humanity come as one, people express themselves in a million ways, with costumes, bagpacks that can lightup a whole room, glowsticks, variations of dances . and on the losing your friends scenario, i feel it brings people together instead of losing them, it shows you in the middle of a field where the tower of babel has cometh, you lose all ways of communication cause you can hardly speak, its where you see connection, chemistry to bring you and your friends together and even at times like this they could be by your side ..

many and thousands, millions came into this scene for different reasons, some love the music, some drugs, some cause of friends, some cause they think its cool, some just like to unleash the freak within . as for me, i do not deny i came into the scene based on technicality, i first heard about the melbourne shuffle back in 1999/2000 and back then it was so new and fresh and i wanted to do it cause the fact it took technicality and ability to dance like that, you just cant jump in and do it from the first second, and it eventually brought me to glowsticking/glowstringing . that takes technicality, dedication and time . i dont believe in talent . anything in this world takes time & heart . and technicality is what i appreciate . the effort and love will bring out technicality .

and that is my reason, and such is a massive

Grudge

2009-05-20T03:15:00.000-07:00

its 3:14am, i just woke up . i wish i had a Yoseph who can explain dreams to the point like how he did in Egypt . then i would have him explain why do i dream of Michelle sometimes but this particular one is awesome . this dream is not about her but this person whose in the picture, last highschool class of mine, i dont have any other picture of him . his in the middle row, first one from the right . in my dream, i saw him walking up this fleet of stairs near a market near my house back in Kuching . i had a choice in my dream kinda this time, to walk away or to kill him . i kinda walk 2 steps away and in the end i ran up the stairs pushed him down the ledge from 2 storeys high, he fell down and was bleeding, i ran down and start kicking him non stop, and punching his face till it bled so much you could hardly see his skin . i kicked his crotch so many times, i made sure he would never have a child . i wanted to take a knife and stab him but i didnt had one at that time . i still end up kicking him over and over as his on the ground, to relish all hatred towards him that has been kept all this years . finally after i grew tired and his no longer moving on the ground, i step on his face with my foot and spit on him

and i woke up, thinking to myself, if i would ever see him again in this life, how would i approach the same issue, do i wait for the chance and push him over a 2 storey building? or maybe wait in the parking lot and run him over with a car? or maybe pay some people to drive by with bikes, not with guns but with knivez and stab him, cause i dont him dead, i just want him to be paralyze and suffer . i usually dont hold hatred that long . but this particular person, i really wish he burn in hell .

i hope all these things come true and you suffer a horrible death . and NO im not joking or making this up . i do feel this hatred ...

tR|NtY

2009-05-11T23:12:00.001-07:00

this is how her screenname was spelled about 8 years ago, i was about 140lbs and naive, i havent seen her face or touched her skin for more than 6 years . we met in college, i would like to believe it was fate that we were sitting in the lobby, we didnt had classes on fridays, and we started talkin as strangers, we started hanging out, for a few weeks, it was just pure chemistry, she was with another guy, and i was with another girl . couple weeks later i told her about this girl i liked alot and i had no guts to tell her, and wasnt sure if she liked me back, i drove her back in the old crappy car i had singing to the same song, jay chou's kai bu liao kou, and finally we got to her friend's place, i told her i wanted to talk to her for a while, and finally got my balls together and told her i liked her, she was speechless, i remember the night was calm, stars were in the sky and she thought i was joking and we continue on with our conversation .

couple weeks later, it was just the two of us hanging out by this 'lake' outside a library, we were sitting pretty close and she turned over and kiss me on the lips, ive kissed a girl before her in my life, but for some reason i could never remember all the kisses i had before that one .

she was for sure the girl i was gonna marry, the girl from my dreams . we were the couple of the century, match made from heaven, bonnie & clyde, my partner in crime, she was more than my girl, she was my buddy, she was my bff if put it on that term, shes funny, tall, sarcastic, witty, smart, sexy, cute, lovable, wears glasses, we had matching outfits, bought our expensive stunner shades at the same place, all the ingredients you ever needed .

i told myself, if she was the only girl i can have sex with for the rest of my life, i would be content, and i was barely 18 when i met her, when a dude should have banged at least near a 100 in their lives, no?

we would be buddies when we hung out with the guys, so we didnt had to make the others feel discomfort and we would get cozy once we're alone . i hate to admit it, but it was the best 3years of my life . when im outside without her, people would always ask "wheres your mimi?"

one day she left overseas to pursue her studies and promised me she would be back after 18months, that time never came . and i had to get out of where i was, i was crying day and night, even when im eating dinner with my grandma . and finally i made the decision to travel 9000 miles away so i didnt had to face her shadows .

few months later, she told me shes moving in with someone, and we shouldnt keep in contact anymore, cause she didnt want to have issues with the new guy . being the loser, i even contacted the new guy and asked him to take care of her the best he can .

i cant even remember the last time i talked to her, i remember she told me she was going home for a visit, and shes bringing the guy home too .

i really hope shes as happy right now, when i was at that point in my life . i do not believe in love anymore for many years now, but deep down inside, i still wish i would get sweep off my feet and be back into that naive state i was, i still hope for it everyday, but the sad part is, i know it aint gonna happen, cause iv gained experience in life and got to know that part of my life happened cause i was young and i didnt know any better .

i still dream of her sometimes, like maybe once or twice a year? her smiling face in my dream but once i wake up, i feel a lil empty . is that a sin? i cant control my dreams ..

dreamed last night ...

0168687183 used to talked to 0168921129 alot

My Moment

2009-04-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

a person asked me "what happens when you get bored of snowboarding? what next? what happens when you get old?" the answer to that is, im not worried about me getting tired of riding, im worried about not being able to do it NOW . in this moment, in this time . theres no true key to this life i guess, everyone live their lives differently . i guess i kinda have chosen mine . when im out there, its my solace, its my realm, its my moment . i dont need a big house, nor a nice car, nor a wife at this moment . i dont even know if i need one in the future . but i am one with the earth when im on that elemental gift .

all i need now is to get laid on the side when im not strap in and my life would be complete

A Snowboarder

2009-03-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

53 days deep, 91 days total . i used to claim to the best malaysian snowboarder in southern california, but now i claim myself to be the best malaysian snowboader in the world . so if anyone stumble upon this, i would love to meet another malaysian who rips on snow . korath wright a bahamian born snowboarder, his going to the winter olympics in 2010 in whistler riding for bahamas, the 2nd time a country with no snow is participating in the winter olympics besides the Jamaican bobsled team that participate 1988 . in life, they are going above & beyond

"its always snowing somewhere" - burton

Hunger

2009-03-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

been thinkin about this alot these days, about more than a decade ago, i couldnt understand why some people in this world couldnt enjoy basketball, or why arent they playing ball . over more than a decade later, i found myself with the same question . why some people cant love riding snow as much as i do? is there something wrong with me? why can i ride from 830am - 405pm with no lunch? i swear if they open 24hours a day, ill be there every hour besides taking some sleep . the hunger is key, self motivation, passion & character . is where you wanna be in this game or in this world . you picture yourself doing it, you set a time frame and you go for it, thats exactly what im doing with riding . i see myself flying 100 feet of the ground do some backside 540s nose grabs and such . so till the day i reach there i aint gonna give up, once i reached it, i guess i may even aim higher . higher aerial tricks, faster speed, smoother ground tricks . and it all comes back to self satisfaction .

funny thing is i love this game so much, when i see people living up here in the mountains and not giving it all, i kinda feel sad, i know others have different priorities and enjoyment, but still . its on a plate in front of you, are you waitin for someone to come and feed you . the self achievement by your hands is so much self satisfying, why dont they understand that?

well i think when i think about it, it all comes back to me, i guess its not them but it is me whose insane in the head with this game .

46 days deep 84 total in my "career"

White Love Story

2009-02-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

tomorrow will be exactly 3 months since i step into this white love story of mine . "if this place would snow 12 months, i would live here forever". i managed to almost kill myself 2 times so far, yesterday i sprained my left knee . im limping while i walk right now . but overall this place is truly like no other, its heaven, i dont make alot of money, its just enough to get me through . i dont drive a super sports car, but in place of that i get to travel 60kmph on average on the snow, roaming around the mountain that is 3300 acres, 13 kilometers square . the job is chill, no boss to ask me to clean under the sink or go off at me when sales is down . im just out there smiling enjoying every moment of it . chilling with homies from andrew or harry potter as i called him from london, joel aka pops from michigan, zach the z man from pittsburgh, brandon, cpt couch from arkansas and ron on the rocks from long beach, ron has moved out from our place or to say the "Lupin Lads". i know this is temporary, all of this, but so far we have become family . and this few months will be remembered in my heart for the rest of my life ..

living the simple life

The Asian Lifty

2009-01-14T06:04:00.000-08:00

in these eyes, its par⋅a⋅dise [par-uh-dahys, -dahyz]an intermediate place for the departed souls of the righteous awaiting resurrection . but i do not want resurrection, i want this to be eternal . 26 days deep, all my gear have arrived, i still cant sleep well on my days off cause im too excited to go riding the next day, i may not be the best out there on the hill, but im def one of the rare ones to give it my all .

a man on a lift "you're a lifty!"

asian lifty takes off his headphones "how do you know? i change outfits everyday!"

a man on the lift "my 11yr old daughter pointed you out when you were working and said you were the coolest lifty out there"

asian lifty "wow thank you! its hard not to be happy when you're in your dream"

a man on the lift "yea kids can sense those vibes"

asian lifty smiles and chair arrives at the top

Infatuation

2008-12-29T23:34:00.000-08:00

100 day goal . 20 days 4 hours deep . argentinian chica with a boyfriend . neff . skullcandy . technine . infatuation . armin only .

2008-11-29T17:12:00.000-08:00

11/23/08

my birthday . 4 days 5 hours . got some riding done in some shitty condition . but what pissed me off is someone accused me doing stuff that i didnt do like 6 months ago . purely just hated my guts . but overall it was a good birthday . turned 25, i cant bliv how fast time pass me by . then again i am living in my dream at the moment . should savour every moment of it

11/24/08

4 days 5 hours 30 mins

11/25/08

4 days 6 hours

11/26/08

4 days 7 hours

11/27/08

6 days 1 hour

11/28/08

its 6am and i cant sleep . i dunno why . was watching couple old edc and love fest footage and the words of shelly were playing in my head 'you cant leave gsc, you cant live without it' and i cant deny i do miss it a lil . and watching the old footage, random people coming together as one . and how ironic is that, the next event is Together As One . i do miss moments of nyc too . iv single handedly crush all the nyc memories in one blow . but i shouldnt be worrying about meeting someone special . sometimes i wonder maybe i dont love yet i want to be loved . but anyways i should focus on the mission i was set here to do . 100 days of riding and the progression of my snowboarding skillz . so far so good .

11/29/08

8 days 1 hour in

Day 8

2008-11-18T18:51:00.001-08:00

11/11/08
mammoth day 1, 1:30am depature, drove 314 miles, 5hours later i arrived . saw my first sunrise, it was the most prettiest thing iv ever seen . snow was good conditions, powder . but then again, everything comes with a price, i thought i was gonna come here, straight up ride my days away, how naive i was . the pass alone cost aroune $1600, and to think anyone would give me $1600 that easily is plain dumb . my had to be snap, the sides and back, but my own hands, its not even the same length at the moment, i had a $50 haircut a few days before, it went down the drain . the rules were amazing . there were so many rules, it felt like i was literally joining the army, the housing has nothing, didnt even provide a clothe to wipe the tables, its not a hotel, its a housing . very naive of me . riding, i thought i would be able to get my first chair today, how funny, i got on the chair alright, with the mammoth uniform on, but without my board strap on my feet, it was the first time ever to get on the chair without a board, it felt so weird . and as far as riding goes, it has to be earned .. $1600 season pass has to be earned, not given . but i wont give up, when i think back how bad i wanted this . these things arent gonna stop me . im gonna be stronger and move forward ..

11/12/08
day 2, first run of the season, it was only 30mins, took about 4 runs, lift ops training over, tommorow will be first day of work . sleeping patterns are changing, hair looks damn ugly, but my gear and my riding will make up for it ..

30mins total

11/13/08
day 3, first day at work, in the morning, time passes fast, after lunch, it takes forever to get to 4:05pm . zero runs in today , but def tommorow will get an hour in ..

11/14/08
day 4, got to meet new housemates, got drunk at 8pm . snow conditions were superb if you look at the date . total of 30mins in

60 mins total

11/15/08
30 mins in after work

90 mins total

11/16/08
new housemates lifties, british guy andrew, arkansas brandon, long beach ron, michigan joel and zach was the first one here from pittsburgh . got to ride with the british rider today, totally sick . just have to keep ridin with him, my game will get so sick

90 mins in

3 hours total

11/18/08

4 hours 30 mins total

101 hours

2008-11-06T19:02:00.001-08:00

picture was taken november 5th 2008

from 100 days to 101 hours left, i apologize to those whom iv hurt . and to all the haters out there, this point in time, i can no longer hear your rants and hates . cause im hours away from heaven .

hours away ..

Fourty Six

2008-09-27T01:47:00.001-07:00

thats the number of the days left before i voyage to "the promised land", the top of the world, the center of the universe, my personal heaven . in 46 days, that picture will be my home . i will open my eyes each morning to heaven . call me pussy, call me gay, i think the morning im gonna drive up, im gonna have tears in my eyes, and i have not cry for anyone or anyone for a long long time . yuhwen a friend of mine lived in mammoth for a few months, but the thing is, im sure she didnt want it as bad as i want it . not even close . twsnow.com mag said "not all people can see what you see" . that is totally true, the snow is not even white to me . its shines gold to me, many dont know when im smiling under my electric goggles and bandana when the music is pumping and im just cruising with my "pose" . or the pose i think is the coolest when you ride snow, my riding buddies know what pose im talking about . iv been counting down with 100+ days to go, a friend said all i have to do is go to bed 100 times and the next one when i wake up, ill be in mammoth, and iv cut it down more than half .. 46 times to go, goodbye to my job, goodbye to LA . and say hello to the promised land ..

iv been waiting a long time ..

Apology

2008-09-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

i know you asked me to do a video, i have no clue how to make a video of apology . and so i think im just gonna write this entry dedicate to you, michelle schoenhardt . i know i need to grow up and i hate when people say that to me, eventhough i know its the truth, just that sometimes when i like something so much, i become obsess with it . and when im obsess with it, i turned into this kid in a candy store . i do appreciate you talkin to cleric and azzie . i do . but at the same time i have this pride that is inside me that tells me i dont want help to acheive something . eventhough in this life we all need one another to survive . and i still believe us meeting was a true miracle ..

and yes, i do need you

from my heart .. im sorry, i truly am

The Last Days Of Summer

2008-09-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

"theres no such thing as a bad summer" i saw this quote somewhere . i guess its true to a point, there is no such thing as a bad summer, cause everything is by choice of oneself . its a bad summer cause you yourself let it be . this summer was pretty good compared to the rest . i visited the big apple for 6 days, my first ever vacation since i landed here in los angeles almost 4yrs ago . and somehow im losing my "friends" here in LA, even my bff mr stevo, he got all caught up with his new girl, and we have nothing to talk about anymore . but its all good . iv indulge myself in this "poi" spinning so much, i kept myself bz the whole summer, raves after raves . been to so many raves this summer countless .. 2 more huge ones coming up Nocturnal and Love Fest in San Francisco, looking forward to those two . gonna be epic events for sure .

70 days to go, till the first picture above will be label as my "home" . all i have to do is go to bed 70 more times and ill be there . i forgot how it felt, how the wind felt, how the hot wax on a board smell like, i forgot how the dusting of snow on the mountain tops look like . but after lookin at that picture . i cannot believe im gonna be living in heaven . 100 days is my goal . to ride 100 times 8 hours per day . to level up on my snowboard skillz . snowboard +2

summers been good to me

Eye For An Eye

2008-07-23T01:05:00.000-07:00

*paragraph missing due to request*

in less then 24hours ill be on a plane for the first time in nearly 4yrs, heading east, 6hour flight, 3time zones, to the big apple, a vacation finally, besides my snow trips, im finally spending on something besides the snow, well a big part of the decision was cause this person that iv met for 2 days is flying me out . is it something in the air? is it the chemistry? substance? but i followed my heart and this is where it leads me .

but i cant deny im also going against my own theories and principles that a long distant relationship is non existence in this world, its a ghost r/ship, its for the weak hearted, to those who are afraid to be alone . to create something that is non tangible to believe they are not alone in this world, we are born alone and we die alone . in between we may meet people along the way, but who can stay with you throughout the journey? not many i think . what more to say long distant relationship .

after the girl who left me to new zealand and never came back, i vow never never to be in a long distant relationship again in this life . waitin for something that never return .

but ill flow with it and see what paths open for me .

i will stay strong . or to some i will stay a coward who doesnt dare to love? who is afraid to get hurt? but i will try my best to protect myself for non is out there to protect others .

Lost In The Moment

2008-07-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

7 days has passed, total of 8 days since i met her . iv no idea why im in a state of mind right now . within 2 days, she took my world away from me, made me hurt people i care about . it made me feel the old me .. 8yrs ago . how ironic it is 4yrs ago, i flew 8776miles to stop my tears, to stop seeing shadow of a person who broke my heart . i vow to myself to never never let me back to that pit again, to that place where my world crumbled down to pieces because of another person .

almost 5yrs has passed since that person step out of my life . and iv became a different person who i think is a better way to live this life . iv became very selfish and i thought it was happy, cause i would never get hurt again or cry for days because of a person, i thought iv stop being naive . iv grown .

and here comes this girl out of nowhere with blonde hair come galloping out of nowhere took of my shades and gave me this gigantic hug out of nowhere . i was lost in the moment during that split second, i was thinking to myself "who is she?" "why is she so happy to see a stranger whom she never met before?" "maybe cause its the party this weekend, we all are hyped up, maybe she is too" . many questions ponder my mind, and i never could get an answer .

i guess after 8 days of calculating and trying to conclude what has happen, i still have not come up with a legit theory . i can only tell myself, it was the chemistry, chemical reaction, something was in the air, she made me feel a way i havent felt in a very long time, she made me hunger for her, she makes the air i breathe fresher, the colors i see brighter . within just spending 2 days together . i went all out, dropping everything i had .

i found this feeling iv been telling myself that it doesnt exist in this world for me anymore, i had my chance and i blew it . but deep inside i was still hoping one day it would just appear out of nowhere .

and it has ...

how ironic her name is the same name that made me fly 8776 miles away from home, and now im about to fly 2500 miles, jumping through 3 time zones just to spend merely few days with her .

her name is michelle ...

Old Flame

2008-06-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

frankly speaking i havent been following basketball alot this season compared to my whole life, lakers lost their shaq kobe duo back in 2004, the year i move to city of the Lakers, every season i would go to at least 2 games just to watch kobe play, this season i wasnt able to go cz i spent all my expenses on the snow, they werent doing too good as well, well till they got paul gasol and in a blink of an eye its 2 hours away from game1 finals, where boston will play los angeles . 21years ago, when i was 4, it was the bird magic era, and when i started playing ball it was his airness who took over, i havent felt this excited or anxious about a ball game in a while . reminds me of my childhood how i stayed up late just to watch nba games on tv back in malaysia . 2004, they lost it and finally 4 years later kobe is in the driver's seat bringing a bunch of young cats into the finals to play against KG . what more is to ask for ...

i love this game ...

Because Of Snowboarding ...

2008-05-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

this entry's title is copied from burton's theme this season .. 1st picture, me and my last run this season, 2nd pic, me n my riding buddy hikaru the man in pink, 3rd pic chair 23, expert only, 4th pic team skullcandy in action ..

because of snowboarding ... i tell myself each day i cannot die before i live my dream, it hurts to sit but not to fall, i have learn to conquer fear within myself and drive to find my passion to make it perfection . iv spent thousands and thousands of dollars on the snow its almost reaching 10000usd pretty soon, i give my life for the sport, i travel 60-70kmph with no safety gear ..

this was my last run @ mammoth for the 07/08 season, the countdown has begun for the next season . after 38 days on the snow in 2 seasons . my next target is to acheive 100 days in a single season .. im crossing my fingers for all my documents to go well, within a month of two .. ill know whats gonna happen to my 08/09 season ..

it has been a good season ...

Single Serving Friends

2008-04-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

suddenly the idea of the 'fight club' theme kinda hits me . i love that movie so much, cause i find resemblance in it of me . i love to go against the system, im a rebel, and i consider many people single serving friends . my sincere apologies to miss billie lim whose getting married in may . but like i said, i wont take back my word, and its the first time i rejected someone's marriage wedding invitation as a guest . sorry i see things these way . i had an arguement on the same topic with miss eeleen hee years ago . iv engraved this theory i have in my heart, it shall not be removed by any only by me . we cant even have a normal meal together on a normal basis . u dun have the sincerity to call me up and ask how am i doing or ask me to go out for a drink . why would i call u? right? if our "friendship" as u called it . is ur telling me u care about me and talk about me with ur dear friend miss shirlene thien on and off basis . im sorry . to anyone out there, sometimes when i say hi to you, its for a reason, its to avoid akwardness, despite that i am nothing to you, so are you to me . please dun be upset . but its true ... to everyone who thinks im their friend . im sorry i have to disappoint you . i still follow my 'phonebook theory' to the bone . if you are not in my phonebook, you are just a single serving friend, even if u make it to the phonebook . you might not be my friend, but just im taking advantage of you and i am a parasite .

my sincere apologies to all

Riding Buddies 2008

2008-04-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

riding buddies, where should i begin, in 06/07 season, my riding buddies were louis aka tiong, kevin da man & aiko . i had many runs with them at big bear, it was precious moments & memories, ill never forget the laughter & smiles we shared . the following season, louis complaint abt the snow conditions and would only ride if there was a dump . but i see it differently, im not such a good rider, so im not a king, if im not a king, i do not choose my dinners, if its not a feast, ill take it too, once im king .. i will be fit for a feast . kevin, he had injuries along the way, and obligations to his wife-to-be .. and aiko is constantly lost in love, and 3 of em has lost the passion for the white snowy mountain ..

despite that .. i landed myself with 2 other new riders, hikaru & venessa . i just could not bliv in such a short time .. how much they improved and how many runs we have made together in this 07/08 season, ah sa has described wearing her boots as a routine n is easy as wearing her high heels, hikaru on the other hand has mastered the frontside 180 .. 3 of us have such great chemistry, we only have 3 things in mind when we strap in, to go faster, to fly higher & to get better n better . we do not waste time when we r on d slope, we push not for others but for our own self satisfaction . 3 of us ride with skull candy pumping into our brain, searching for adrenaline and striving for perfection

mammoth, everytime on our way home, i leave a lil of my soul on chair 3, goldrush .. i know this season aint over yet, but iv already started my countdown for next season, hopefully ill have my dream turned reality and have my body reunite with my soul in mammoth and have 100days of mileage on my board .. some people say i might jinx it be keep saying it out loud, but i cant help it .. its overflowing inside of me . all i think about, when i sleep, i dream of it, when im awake, i wish im there . when i eat, i wish i was eating there .. i look at d clouds, i wish i was lookin at the clouds from the chair 10 ..

on our way home, one of the guy suggested me to change into warmer/comfortable clothes, i was thinkin, why would i wanna do that? they wear it cz they need to, cz its cold, i wear it cz i WANT to, its different, its the best outfit in my wardrobe, its the best lookin suit, it is the most comfortable outfit . if i could, i would wear it 365days a year . why in the world would i take off my snow gear n get into something 2nd best? it is the most xpensive clothing in my wardrobe, i invested money, blood & my soul into it ..

7 months to go ...

Pure Love

2008-03-10T16:41:00.000-07:00

all i have is nothing, but love for this game, iv spent thousands of dollars, countless hours of sleep, bruises, cuts, scars, blood and alot of heart . im going approx 80kmph on the white slopes, flying on boxes, jibs, quarter pipes, rainbow boxes .. to normal human language, all those are obstacles course, the main obstacle has always been myself, to overcome the fear of falling or crashing, to go over n over again till i get it right . when i fly down the mountain, everything seems to turn into grey color like in the picture, words really cant do justice . overall iv spent in this past 2 seasons 36 days/runs on the mountains . the staff that i was talkin to do about 120 days on the mountain per season .. that is almost 4 times of what im doing in on season .. i cannot imagine the progression ill make once i step into his shoes (boots) .

short term dream: live up in mammoth for the 08/09 season

mid term dream: to boardslide, to butter on boxes n rails, to get air time of 50 feet in the air

long term dream: to travel n snowboard 12 months a year i always thought money could make

one happy, i guess wrong, doing the things that we love day in day out is what can makes one happy .. solace, that is wat we are all looking for on this green planet ..

godbless

White Out

2008-01-28T00:43:00.000-08:00

first lift/first mammoth of 2008

backcountry/mammoth

white out is what some snow people such as myself or self proclaim snowboaders call it . total white out, where the storm hits so bad .. blizzard-like . everything turns white, cant see how steep is the slope, your goggles fog, everything on you and around you freezes up, you lost sense of gravity and balance, your lips are numb, you are pratically breathing ice . words dont do justice when you are in heaven .

powder slashing, backcountry riding they call it, after 29 runs on the mountains, i finally experienced my first powder surfing, where pure white fluffy lil sparkly dust are basically almost to your waist, digging yourself out of the hole when you sink in, quietly as you feel your floating on clouds . untouch powder is what some named it .

my obsession has grown to another level, it has become out of hand, out of control . i dreamt of the slopes when im hanging out at the beaches, i close my eyes, i see myself speeding down the hill, music pumping into my skull, my heart cries out in joy, this is what it feels like to be on clouds . the sun piercing out through the clouds hitting the trees covered with whiteness . that is what the obession used to be like, it has turned into gluttony . i have passed that level of obession . what i want now is to wake up every morning and decide which trail to run on for a few hours before i hit lunch time . i really dont mind working as a janitor . i dont mind giving up the massive raves i hit so often, or dancing in the clubs of hollywood with my friends . i dont really mind to be poor . i dont mind wasting rest of my 20s on the powder, i have spent thousands of dollars i work my ass off thrown on the powder . i dont mind spending the remaining years of my 20s on the snow . usually when i want something bad enough, it always end up mine . im willing to trade in my precious daily internet, my venice beach, my basketball, my social drinks and parties with my homies . im willing to be lonely and getting to know new people again . i just wanna wake up every morning choose which color burton or session jacket im gonna match with my billabong or dc pants, which shaun white board im gonna use for the day .

"nobody likes this sport like me in this whole cabin" i said to my girlfriend . i dont really deserve her, especially with this obession in my heart .

when im on powder, when im standing above the clouds, i feel like my body is floating, i feel my heart is in solace .

Last 24 Hours Of 2007

2007-12-31T07:21:00.000-08:00

woke up for the last sunrise of 2007, after driving 200+ miles, slept for 2hours, drank the minimal amount of h20, sped down 30 - 40 miles of white powder, flying on an average speed of 40 miles an hour, being in solace, when everything around you moves in slow motion, when the music that is pumping through your skull becomes silent, when the whole humanity just disappear for a moment, that is prize i gain after paying a price of tons of currency, love, blood, effort . only a pure shredder would understand those words. it is so hard to relate into sentences .

the first sunrise of 2007 seems like yesterday, after the great armin set, the rays just beam out from the skyscrappers of downtown Los Angeles, those rays were sublime . and suddenly im here writing, on the last sunrise of 2007, it has been an amazing year, one to put in the books as Chisho said, met alot of amazing people, did alot of new things, partying like there was no tommorow at times, having tons of fun, shared laughters, sorrows, anguish, tears with those few other "cb" people, you know who u are, but i cant deny i have this doubt that u all will disappear in a short period of time, i have met people like that in the past, they somehow connect with u so well in the shortest amount of time, and they just disappear from ur life just like that . but i guess thats life aint it, its a bitch .

besides the ending of my contract with my current girlfriend for 6 months, it was a joke, that we will end it on the new year's eve party . but i guess she has threaten me the contract is legit . i dont blame her though, im sure no one will, some will even tell her thats the smartest move she will do herself . i dont mean to be pessimistic, as i know if i get my daily dosage of white powder shredding, im doing good, but i guess not many female species can share a heart of a male with so many other loves that he has for others, snow, the orange round thing called basketball, his "buddies" that he doesnt even know will be there for him in the long run, i guess no one can blame her to call it quits . looking at reality, 24 year old student, working full time at the same time, drives one of the crappiest cars in the gang, selfish, so self indulge at things that is around him, totally obsessed over the mountains .

a person once said, i tell everyone that i live for me, myself & i, but actually that person told me the person who cares most about others is me . aint it funny . i somehow still really find the true analysis .

but with all the drama going around me, i guess i am lil excited about my brother coming next week, he will see things that iv seen, felt things i felt, go places iv been .

no one can tell the future, people change, times changes people, i guess another metaphor i see in my eyes are like lines, we all have lines our own lines, our own directions, some has shorter lines, so their life ends earlier than others, but when the lines cross, we meet, when it parts, we go our own way, its so sad that the other on the slopes i met a friend who used to be very close, we were buddies i guess, she would give me a beating when im fooling around with other girls for being a bastard, she would advise me when im lost, we would party with the others and get drunk. totally a friend2friend r/ship . so i saw her on the slopes, we said "hi" . that was about it . i cant deny the sadness and sourness i had in my heart, we have nothing in common at all, we have nothing to say, it was the end of the conversation, dont even know how the friendship ended . some say they still care, but to me, its just a bunch of crap, either you're revolving around each other's lives, or it really needs a special bond to stay connected .

anyways, happy new year guys, just ventilating .. cheers to tiesto's new year count down to 2008 . i wont mind having another 2007, with the same level of experience i had ..

love ya all

Winter Again, Born Of A New Baby

2007-12-03T15:01:00.000-08:00

winter has arrive to save my body & soul from unhealthy events, burning money on the snow, travelling the speed of a gray wolf at 30mph . travelling at such speed can cost loneliness when the wolf is ahead of the pack at such velocity . despite that, a new baby has been born in my family, she stands at 156cm and is such a beauty, the white collection, from the family of burton, i still love my atomic cold smoke, we travelled many slopes and mountains together .

thanks to steven for my wonderful birthday present that iv been waitin a whole 12 months for, the eg2 goggles by electric, they are the sickest things iv worn .

by the end of the season hopefully ill be able to do some tail grabs, some butters and be label as a park monkey ..

god speed

The Polluted Travesty Of A Raver

2007-10-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

you know you're in deep into the worship when you sell your soul to the devil of trance when you only sleep 2hours after the awakening, you totally lose your appetite for 24- 30hours, your jaw is dropping, your pupils are dilated, when flying lazers seems like they are dancing with the beat . you come to notice that your joining the exile tribe, you come to be familiar with the term MDMA, photons, glowstrings, freehand, candies, top and underground spinners by the likes of cosmic gate, thrillseekers, sir tiesto . offcially you have step over to the darkside when you have these symptoms .

In Search Of Sunrise 6

2007-08-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

sometimes i dont know why certain things happen, or why we meet certain people in our lives . i do not know why incidents, occurance take place at a certain moment at a certain location . sometimes i dont understand why i say the things i say, do the things i do, be at where i be . sometimes things just happens, i have no explanation why it come to be . to one's eye i may be evil, to another i may be doing the right thing, but to whoever eyes it may be . it is what it is, you see what you get and you get what you see .

one picture shows a moment up in the bay area, another showed a moment 'in the dark' . precious moments ...

two reviews i encourage people to have a look out on, Tiesto's In Search Of Sunrise 6, nothing below average .. as usual .. spectacular .. and also the book '5 People You Meet In Heaven' by Mitch Albom . collaborating both of them together give me a feeling, looking at the present and the past . all those people that came and went . and wondering why sometimes i still put effort in saying hi to them . arent i suppose to be cold like i am? i wonder ..

Could've, Should've, Would've . just aint good enough in this life ..

Elements Of Life

2007-08-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

rave:
noun 1. a dance party that lasts all night and electronically synthesized music is played;
its monday, its one of the toughest mondays yet, my head is still stuck in saturday's dream land . my body is in reality, but my mental state is somewhere in that dream, dreaming away . thinking of another day coming close to that dreamy saturday night, would be a tough task to complete . like eujin said, we just can smile to those people on the street today, and feel pity for those who din make it thru the doors of the arena on that special night . but i guess i have to keep my head up high and keep on fightin .

theres so many names i have to thanks for evolving into the elements of MY life . special thx to chisho and hikaru for sponsoring me some weapons of mass destruction, to lienni and julia for showing on the opening . eric and may to come all the way down from the bay area, aiko, venessa & aiko for their termendous energy that leaked out on to me, gwen and her 2 friends for being there, stevo solidier for life, eujin for helping me take a lil of the after effects away, hooi ling, cat for keeping composure, shirlene's birthday, allen & marcus for showing me the path to the photons & glowsticks, billie for bringing james to taste the energy, ai shen for not wearing heels, sandria and her boy,

it was excellently excuted, superb planning, fantastic friends, drugs, lies (no lies actually)and instead of rock&roll, we sub it with trance . where your soul becomes one with the music . looking at the videos on youtube.com . i cant bliv i was actually there . cheering, rocking the floor, flying with the photons .

Relive: Tiesto Moment 1.0

2007-07-27T21:03:00.001-07:00

4 things comes to my mind in a split moment when i think what drives me 'high' in my life . sex, snow, rave, ball . these are simple words that can define those elements . a good session of sexual intercourse usually drives me to the top, cause my sexual hunger is always at a constant beat, carving snow in the heavens while the apple ipod pumps constant beats in my cerebrum for 8hours while i travel at a high speed, raving with my buddies and also 25000 other strangers . breaking ppl's ankle while the sun sets behind the waves . these are the things i live for in my life at this current moment . some may think that its not really productive or wateva . but i work my ass off to subdue my addiction for this events . it makes me feel alive . it makes me feel worth it when i get shit at work .
i was talking to a friend petrina that i met not long ago . i said to her, there are 5 criterias that have to be met before i can consider there is a chemical reaction that is possible for me to befriend that particular person, but when i thought about it . theres only one criteria for me to able to 'click' with another human being . that is they have the ability to let loose and have fun and try new things . thats all . by having those abilities intact in their blood . the word 'fun' comes automatically without trying ...
anyways .. till i re-live the tiesto moment ...

Summer 07, To Be Or Not To Be?

2007-07-09T00:49:00.001-07:00

superb summer . living up the to the hype of summer 05 . i couldnt bliv it . but after lookin at the pictures im really living in the dream once again, new faces but same chemistry . the sincerity . the closeness . i dont know everyone feels it . but i know i feel it . the survivors of the summer 05 is only me, steven and aiko . we lost all d rest . we lost miss crazy shirlene, we lost the dancing evonne, the weed man hock lin, the drinking cynthia and a few more . but i guess new faces brings something refreshing . these new faces were able to make me forget about the snow . i couldnt bliv it . aiko, said at EDC that its gonna be a blast this summer . i wasnt expecting anything close to summer 05 . but these past few weeks . its really been on a similiar level . similiar energy . what happen in summer 05 . after a few months . d crowd was disperse out of no reason . so i still cannot calculate how long will this last or how long its gonna stay together . but one things for sure . i am living in the moment ..

Electric Daisy Carnival 07

2007-07-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

LA , two letters, a location, sometimes it feels like paradise, yet sometimes u feel like ur all alone in this huge huge metropolitan . i sat in a car on the freeway for approx. 10hours in 30+ hours of the weekend . i slept 7hours in those 30hours . danced myself to cramps in 6hours . spent .. dont even know how much i spent . the weekend with friends ... priceless . i remember 2 summers ago . it was crazy as hell . in a good way . this past 2 weekends were living up to the hype . i couldnt bliv it . thanks you guys, aiko, eng jo, chisho & hikaru, stevo, hui ling, ah sa . electric daisy carnival wouldnt be the same with either of one of u guys were not there . so lets hit the next one shall we? armin van buuren on july 14th saturday night? or paul van dyk on july 20th a friday night? lets relive the moment .. love you guys

Death Is A Design

2007-06-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

the fan is twirling full speed, the light is shining brightly in the room, the keyboard on the laptop feels warm . and the music is pumping thru the headphones like its nobodys business . and the thoughts that keep turning in and out of my head is that i think im sick in the head . i love emotional torture . i love to feel sad, i hate to be happy, i love the feeling of anger . i feel no sadness for people's lost or death . i dun expect anyone to feel sad if im gone or perish from this face of this world . i love the pain in my heart . it makes me feel alive . i love to see blood on my body . like couple months ago . i flew couple feet of the ground and crash onto ice . my beanin flew away, my goggles were buried in the snow . i was spitting blood, my lips were all bit . my nose was bleeding . blood came down streaming down my face . but i love it . seeing all that red on the white snow . makes me feel iv pushed myself .
last nite abigail messaged me on msn asking how was i doing? why in the world would she want to know anyway? our lives doesnt revolve around each other . we only know each other by name . slightly better compare to the guy that pass me on the freeway this morning . we say hello when we see each other just for the sake of asking, theres no sincerity in those 'hi's and 'hello's . i wouldnt care if anyone perish tommorow . i wouldnt xpect anyone to care about my death, it would occur tommorow .
maybe one day when i gather all my guts . there should be some adrenaline in cutting myself .

p.s 5 miles is the lenght of our friendship . and i thought his my 'closest' buddy here in LA

Bukan Diriku

2007-06-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

this is an old picture of me sitting on a window's desktop, and suddenly a girl told me she had a crush on me 5-6yrs ago . made me wonder u just never know what ur gonna get in life . i used to love this pic alot . it seems peaceful with the blue skies . but she said it looks kinda lonely . lookin at in a different angle . it is kinda lonely . i got to admit . i am the one with the decision to let things be like this, yet im not used to it . i see white corrollas driving by on the freeway, reminds me of her . suddenly my small bed feels like its too big for me, especially when im about to sleep . waking up in the morning with no one to talk to . sitting on the computer without a anyone nagging me to spend time with them .

another friend said . love is not a math . it cannot be calculate or be return the exact amount . she said im just killin myself . said that im too much of a perfectionist . trying to be a perfect lover where as no one in the world can be such a person she said . maybe it will be one of the biggest mistakes in my life . but one thing for sure . im unsure of my heart . when i compare to the previous r/ship . she does deserve so much more . so much more . and my capability to love someone is at a pathetic level . i feel bad and guilty for her mum who put in so much effort and time and love to raise her, only to be taken care of someone like me . i feel im not doing a worthy job for all those who care n love her with all their hearts . iv made too many girls cry in my life . and everytime they do . i cant stand it . its eating me up inside making me feel like im not worth living .

i promise myself, i will try my best not to make any girls cry anymore, in my life . im so over michelle aka the haunting of the ex . just that i cant accept myself being someone not with a full heart . im so sorry ..

the song by samsons - bukan diriku .. just singing my heart out .

Memorial Weekend

2007-05-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

sadly, nearly 40 malaysians are flying off from Los Angeles to yellowstone
this long weekend to go superb scenery hiking and camping not to mention super water rafting . while i chose my path to stay back here in Los Angeles all alone, besides with my mum of course . due to heavy snow addiction and a nightmare that trigger my decision to head up 5hours north again to shred the weekend away . looking at that picture ill be heading down from the top with full speed with a vengeance .

i read rina's blog few minutes ago about her dear friend calling her and chatted for an hour . reminds me of how am i doing in my life . i said i could only name 2 friends, now to think about it . maybe 3? one of thems dead, literally . cant really think of much people who could randomly call me and we can talk for an hour . im not feeling sad or happy . its just the way it is . iv always live my life selfishly and i dont expect others to give me more than i deserve . i deserve what im getting now, no doubt . relationship wise with everyone . i meet people easily . but to be friends with them, hard . maybe its a inner thing . maybe to those people i dont think they are my so-called friends . maybe in their head they think im their buddy . who knows . my head turns in such a way, the energy should be put in more positive things i guess . but hell, thats me .

happy hiking to those going to yellowstone . be safe . im sure im gonna shred my heart out this weekend, before i have to wait another 6 months for snow, unless i fly to portland or whistler where they have snow for 12months .

* peace *

An Early Summer's Snowy Dream

2007-05-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

pure love is the words i have to describe my love for the snow . this weekend was perfect, the snow fall was so beautiful while i carve the mountain with my baby bringing me 60km per hour down those slopes . joy was in my heart, adrenaline was pumping in my veins . my heart throbbing fast for the fear of crashing, yet i wanna feel the wind in my face, or at least my goggles and bandana . all of a sudden, all the worries in the world disappear for a brief period . thanks to my crew . my baby girl, james, steven, yuh wen, aiko my racing partner . despite the lil glitches that happen throughout the trip like taking a lot of time to dig themselve out of bed, the boot issue for 20minutes . the rest were all good . but im so sorry to cause a scene at the mills, esp to my girl . nobody has more pure love for the snow than me, nobody slept less than me, nobody woke up earlier than me, nobody carve more distance than me, nobody had more joy than me . its truly purest of the pure .
mammoth, 2nd vizit was heavenly . i always think im gonna be in LA for some time . but im thinking about moving somewhere not to far from LA, but yet close to those heavenly mountains . i think i will . somewhere in the mountains with no kobe, with no friends, with no venice beach . i guess im ready to give it all i have . moving there to continue my 2nd part of my studies . get a season pass, carve every day . every single day during winter .

lil tyler fannigan is 13yrs old this year if im not mistaken, his among the pros that were flying on the rails at mammoth this weekend, he was sponsored by GNU when he was 10years old or younger . that was the exact spot where i was standing while watching the pros do their thing . 10000usd went to jonas from minnesota . hail to the great ones!

Definition

2007-04-19T17:03:00.000-07:00

pure definition of each individual word is absurd . each of everyone of us has diffrent definition of each achievement we have made or we plan to make . each of us has diffrent mindsets and dreams we live on . mr.cho of virginia killed 33 people including himself . he kinda reminds me of hitler . the pure evil . somehow i am what i am . im not sad over their lost . its just something that happens in this world daily . people die, some are born . i always wonder how hitler acheive what he did . with just his pure voice, he was able to convince his followers to literally take the bullet for him . back to the definition statement . i was reading my friend kevin's blog about what his goals are . he said he cant see himself doing the things he is doing in 5years . but then again we all have hopes and dreams and family expectations we got to live up to . but still the definition of a baller, i consider myself a baller . i eat,live and breathe basketball . i play for years trying to top everyone . i know the goal is seemed as meaningless and endless even worthless to some people . but still i dig and dig and hunger for it . sometimes even bleed for it . same goes to a snowboarder . a definition of a snowboarder is the same goes to the baller, eat, live and breathe the snow . no blood, no glory? i dont like to make excuses for myself not to do something because of something else . u either do it now or never . lifes too short not-to-do something . like those 32 innocent lives, gone like that

Mammoth The Heavenly Mountain

2007-03-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

after 12-14hrs snowboarding in 2 days . 24hrs later i find myself window shopping for some gear in a snowboard shop, bought a snowboarding mag n was thinking to save up and enroll in some freestyle park camps for snowboarding next season . this addiction has blown me away, both physically and mentally, not to mention financially . but still everytime when im on the snow . speechless

mammoth weekend . 2 days ago was a blast . even it was the driest season in 80yrs in california, still i had a great time . it wasnt perfect, but it was great . blessings to all the boarders, we all came back in one piece, had a great time n gain new skillz to our shredding ability .

in this city of angels, most people are strangers that walk pass us in our lives . even we may not even board together again for d rest of our lives, but good luck to ya'll on ur journey . d show must go on nevertheless . to all living their lives under the sun . we are all trying hard at this game that is call life . sometimes we have our ups n downs .

this is another phase after that "summer" . different faces, different activities . but these are the things that makes me . stop and think abt how much i love life .

snow = mario's 1up

7 Years

2007-03-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

was running to get in front of the crowd, just to get the front seat, cz then it would b cooler to sit in front . din really thought much abt how foolish it was . cant even remember some of their names in the picture . 7years into the future . me sitting here blogging from LA . never from my wildest imagination that would ever happen .

its been a while since i got tipsy, it was saturday at a malaysian house party, lots of people . around 40people . with a live band, whoever wanna jam or can sing, go ahead, in the end i was kinda drunk till i was singing a few songs . how gnarly was that . but like the people in the picture, we were coincidently at that location at that moment, when the moment snaps away, we were on our own ways heading to some diff location . does that make talkin to them at that moment useless for the future? what do we gain? by interacting to the people who are right here coincidently the same location as you? what do we acheive? i may be evil or think too much, by every conversation i dont mean i wanna gain something, but whats the use? so during the party i drank the chivas + green tea, me and steven bought, gave a couple of shots to those who i think was worthy of the shots . the rest were too indulge in their own activities or non activities . the LA lifestyle . to be thrown in a pool full with strangers . even with your fellow malaysians here in Los Angeles, its the same thing . we are all just coincidently here .

p.s you know your a true snowboarder, if you check the weather forecast during the winter season like those who frequent the stock websites and sports result site .

i guess im a pessimist afterall, so sue me ..

Snow Orgazm

2007-03-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

this is a summary of the pictures of this winter season, spent alot a huge amount on the snow, burning cash on the snow, but from the start of the season, the whole day, if i had a perfect run down without falling, i would be so happy, but around now, i have to at least get at least 1-2 feet of the air flying, then ill b happy . i am literally flying right now . maybe other people may think im crazy for going so many times, but its rare for anyone of us to find something that we can love so much with all our heart . i cherish each moment of it when im on the snow, same with basketball i tend to be in a different zone, a different world of it's own . i forget all the worries, the sadness, the problems, and for a brief moment, im somewhere else . i guess this is the feeling when people take drugs, but mines a natural 'high' . like i said before, when i do something, i dun mind be alone standing at the top . its for myself and not anyone else . its a individual thing . hopefully the mammoth trip will work out 2 weeks from now .

Cigarettes & Snow

2007-03-07T16:39:00.000-08:00

a piece of cloud i took down from the californian sky . what a crazy weekend it was, well worth it though . started off with a friday night with chisho's birthday dinner at torrance, anyways by the time it was over with a lil champagne it was 230am and i had to wake up at 430am to start driving to a friend's place so we could carpool to the mountain, and praying we would start shredding snow before 9am, so we started around 930am, stop at 130pm had lunch till 230pm, continue the snow orgazm till 6 something, caught couple inches of air of the ground with a perfect landing, did the box, race with the japanese snowboarder from whistler (#1 ski resort in the world), chisho . by the time we got back to LA, it was 9smth, had our dinner and headed back to my friend's place, they were all not at home . having a gambling chinese new year chap goh meh session, so i ended up joinin them and gamble till 3 in the morning with just 2hours of sleep the previous night . then had a chance to catch up with a very good friend of mine, we talked till 5smth in the morning, that friend prove that real "real" friends dont have to see each other every day, and yet we din see each other for such a long time, when we talk, the feeling was still the same like a few summers ago . i miss the times we had together, it was so crazy and we never thought of wat would happen the next day, just focusing on the moment . and after the long talk, i had to wake up at 9am to play a league, by sunday morning, my phone was dead, so was my ipod, not to mention myself . i could barely walk, i only played the first half of the game, scoring 12pts . i gave up after that, my team lost . i din care too, my head was bobbing hard, my legs were weak, my body felt as it was gonna break into pieces, by the time i had my breakfast/lunch it was 3pm, and joined my friends in another bball session at 4pm till 6pm, won couple of games and my legs had the cramps . we reached his place at 630pm, they all went to dinner, i quickly took a shower n i was KO after that till 9pm . sometimes im amazed at how i can go, even my body couldnt take it, nobody could hang with me, most ppl were already sleeping when i was still gambling saturday night . won 15 bucks though, its been a while since i had that like chinese new year feeling .

incredible weekend ...

I Miss My Ah Ma

2007-02-26T21:04:00.000-08:00

i miss my grandma ...

"Friends"

2007-02-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

when i ball or when i snowboard, my mind goes into a totally diffrent dimension, im totally lost in the moment where i have to make the magic happen or at least something that keeps my mind on it . but once im off that, i keep thinkin n thinkin about all those nonsense . i say i dont miss home, i say i dont miss my buddies back home . or do i? i have no answer for that question . its kinda sad in a way that people say i gain lots of friends n get to know lots of people, but from my view, "friends" is totally a diffrent definition for me, in this world . i have passed the average number of people a person should know . i think i know around 600 - 800 people? but i have only less than 10 "friends". its kinda sad especially when i find out i type more on the keyboard then i actually talk to people . i have lost all my friends back home, and i have not gain any friends here . some people tell me its the quality not the quantity, but for heaven's sake, i dont even have both of them . but still the show must go on ....

Partners In Crime

2007-02-19T20:43:00.000-08:00

well, i dont own a camera for now. so the house party on chinese new year's eve with around 40something people, laksa, beer and lots of wine . will see if i get my hands on the pictures of that night, its kinda of a celebration since i miss 3rd chinese new year back home, i miss hanging out with my buddies a lil, those who accept me for being me and still look for me constantly. here, on chinese new year day 1, back home usually ill go gambling somewhere with my friends, but here its a diffrent kinda of vibe, since i dont have much buddies to hang out with. i went on the ice again with my partner. the picture above is his arsenal and mine together. wev been goin total of 6 times together this season and i went twice without him, once he was in mammoth

snowboarding, and once i went alone where i got my face bleeding from the ice. he told me life in the big city is like this, i guess so huh, its not that i havent accept it since iv been here well over 2yrs, i just still sometimes wish its a lil diffrent here. im sitting here lookin at the computer wondering what to do, instead of doing something progressive like reading my books for school, instead i chose to sit here looking at the monitor and start to think nonsense, lookin at my messenger which had almost 300people, now with 5people online, it has its good and its bad i guess, even with so many people online, why should i go message them? why should i care? isnt it better to have no online so i can force myself not to care about others? my mum is downstairs, im sure she wanna talk to me about all my problems and the way i think, but somehow i just cant seem to relate it well with her. im such a selfish person, i guess i cant blame anyone not talking to me, if i were someone else, i wouldnt wanna talk to me too. im so worried about not being a loser, yet a true winner is a person who worries how to keep being a winner. is that true? i dont want to say im a loser, it sounds kinda stupid, but i guess im a true pessimist. its so hard for me to see things positively and im always cautious not to give others the slightest chance to take advantage of me. i guess this is what iv become, and limiting my own ability to socialize, even worst the location that iv been dreaming of, a huge metropolitan, with so many people makes it as if im living in a huge huge place with nobody at all . this is such a sad story... just wanna let out whats in my mind.

Odd One Out

2007-02-15T22:48:00.000-08:00

if some are wondering this is a picture taken about a year ago, by my lovely girlfriend caterine, superb angle . well after a day of deletion, theres 10people who msg me. was surfing through friendster today, saw about 10 primary school classmates, man they all grown up so much doing their own thing somewhere, most of em end back in kuching . so i start to wonder why when i was younger when we were all met around an age like 6 or 7, why am i always the odd one out? why would the others hang out at their place and play games, and non never invite me? why? is there something wrong with me? is there something they hate about me? i never got the answer, as i go along . i played for the state team basketball and the sponsor had a favourite player, he bought shoes for him and so on, and i thought maybe they knew each other for a period, later on i found out we all met at the same time. what is there not to like about me? in high school i used to eat alone at the cafeteria, while others had people they belong too, but i had people who reached out to me a couple of times, i dunno what happen after that, maybe they gave up after a while . am i pushing myself to hard to be everyone's number one? or am i wondering far far away where as there was never such a thing in the first place? or is bipolar? been doing a lil research about the symptoms, but im not suicidal yet, when that does occur i will confirm i have bipolar disorder . besides being the odd one out, took a html class today, made me felt how much an idiot i was. it felt kinda good in a way or not . i know a girl whose friend is working for sun micro, whose the creator for java, his is in his twenties, working for a big time company making the Gs, while me sitting in classroom trying how to do html, im a real idiot sometimes. and at times i can think that im doing ok, cz i comfort myself telling myself, i came all this way with my own hands, no help after high school, comforting myself telling myself people who are in the united states working used all their parent's funds to come here, telling myself if they were in my shoes they couldnt do shit, but all that is just to comfort myself, how sad is that . a wandering idiot seeking solace without any forte .

Restless

2007-02-14T17:17:00.000-08:00

its very seldom i post consecutive entries in my blog, its been so long since i had this. here it comes again, it strucked once . somewhere around mid year 04 before i came to the states, i remember well i was still with my ex having this bullshit long dist. relationship, everything was goin fine at that time, but suddenly one day i woke up, i felt like the world hated me, if not hated me, wants me dead or disappear from the face of the earth, i felt every look in every human being towards me was just pure hatred. its a weird feeling, and eventually i deleted my friendster and she called to ask what was wrong . nothing was wrong . i just felt like smashing something or destroying something if possible if i can kill someone without being caught guilty later on . a day before valentine's day . that was yesterday i had the exact feeling again . i have no reason or explanation why i feel this way . i have deleted all my contacts on my msn about maybe 250 of them that i have accumulate throughout the years . somehow it makes me feel better that i have shown myself i have no need for anyone to prove of my existence . i was wondering i might have a slight case of bipolar malfunction like the legendary sixth seal . i enjoy pain, i enjoy tormenting myself and making myself feel as sad as possible . i might delete all the phone numbers in my phone book later on . its wierd how better i feel when i make myself believe i have no use for contacting other people, where as i can survive on my own . by making it a fact to myself that not one person that i know care about my existence, therefore i have to make sure i have no feelings for others too .

Never Summer

2007-02-13T22:28:00.000-08:00

and so it is, like u said it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time .. the winter is half way thru, been goin shredding every week since dec16th, i cant bliv how much iv spent on it, and how fast i can go now on the snow . probably like 50km per hour . anyways, the feeling of the cold wind blowing in my face, the adrenaline pumping thru my blood . its almost the feeling of my best summer here in the states, 2yrs ago . but it all went away within 2-3mths, people suddenly disappear doing their own thing . i bet this 2 pictures are gonna be the same within 1 or 2months from now . its sad in a way, but its alrite maybe its the LA culture . i dunno . but anyways im soaking it all in as much as i can, eventually ill be not only carving ice on my own, but also carving my life story on my own too . readers who read this, do not pity or feel sorry for me, cause i dun feel a thing when some life other than myself leaves me . im cold to the bone, like the snow . i havent found tears in my eyes or heart for a long long time . it sometimes feels a lil hollow .

happy valentine's day to the people of the world .

note: due to the phone book theory i have, i have to start cleansing my msn list, i have near 200+ people on my list, averaging 70 people are online at the same time, and i get 2 ppl who msgs me if im LUCKY.

Ai Wo Sakebu

2007-02-04T23:52:00.000-08:00

iv seen many people write about this . i was just thinking abt it myself . what are the most top ten things i love?

i love:
1. snowboarding
2. street wear clothes / my boxers too
3. basketball
4. my shoes
5. sushi
6. being in love / sex; re-edit for steven
7. computer / internet
8. music / ipod
9. compliments
10.eggs

the top 10 things i love with just split second consideration ...
since everything is going right for me this week . making lots of Gs during work, my boss might have someboday to take my sunday shifts . snowboarding .. let the good luck continue .. god bless you, to those who are reading this blog from time to time , and be safe .

p.s i was snowboarding with a fellow kuchingite, kinda rare, eddie aka cook engineer

Ice Drug

2007-01-31T00:30:00.000-08:00

spend an hour sitting here trying to upload my fav video from youtube . finally got it done . sigh . this is all i can think about day and night literally, day and night . the location of this surfers are at mountain high , so called southern california closest ski resort, during weekends its pack with so many people, its like the whole LA is there to snowboard, lots of good snowboarders and noobs as well .. i got the music in my ipod . and i make sure it last 7hrs at least this time, while listenin to armin van buuren, pvd while rocking the slopes .

this people doing those trick are dope, and also crazy, cause of the snow here aint powder, its mostly ice, so if you fall, you'll break your leg, its like falling on concrete, this is how i bust my forehead .

till next time . counting the days till i surf ..

Desire

2007-01-22T00:34:00.000-08:00

theres few words that can desribe the person named marvin, stubborn, vain, at times annoying and constantly self proclaim to be something or someone .

anyways . this past saturday, i went to mountain high, an hour drive from LA . heading north east towards Las Vegas direction . i do not possess any pics from the event because it was the first time in my life that i went to do something alone . the obsession of snow has taken over . i have to kill the addiction by hitting the slopes to carve some ice . i was suprise at myself . for 23yrs i have never ever .. did anything on my own . all the time i have to someone accompany me . even for a simple meal, i would call my friends . but back home usually they would call me . to those who are reading, i deeply appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, u guys know who are . but in another life not too long later . i find myself in a totally diff situation, where the handphone is known as the cell phone .. it never rings anymore . even the fear of loneliness is so overwhelming . i rather starve at home than go outside for a meal alone . i hate the fact that i feel like im a loser with no friends if im eating alone . n yet my theories of life is to be cocky and not to lose face to anyone . even it means not making friends .. that is why my circle is so small in life . dont you think its weird it contradicts each other? and also the strive to perfection is one of the other desire that is making my life hard . when i do something i have to be the best or at least i need to know i am the best in the shortest period . i tend to leave my friends behind, like when i started playing ball at 10, by the age of 15 . iv already surpass all my peers who trained together with me, in the end i chose to leave them . i told myself, the better must move on, they cant live with the weak, so i chose to play for the championship team that we work so hard to beat . they invited me over and i left . and for snowboarding . i know the desire is burning within me, it eats me up everyday that im not good at it . i always push myself to the limit to strive for perfection . this saturday, in my head . while carving the ice down the slopes . working on my skillz . all i thought abt is i put so much heart into it, its just not right if i dont leave my peers behind, i have to leave them .. i have to surpass them, i have to be the best there can be . i have to be perfect . that cost me to crash and burn . i wasnt ready for the jumps, when i decided not to jump and pass it by, i got so mad at myself for not trying . the 2nd time, i was goin at it full speed .. 100% speed down the hill, i was 5feet of the ground, airborne . the next thing i knew i was sitting on the floor, passerbys asked me if i was doing ok, i didnt know why they look so worried, i had blood streaming down my face . nose bled a lil, my lips all bit . blood was in my mouth and my forehead was bleeding . no blood no glory? i spit out blood, the shimmering white ice had red spots all around . that is me . i push myself where i can no longer sustain, it hurt? of course it hurt, but within me i was satisfied, cz i knew i tried .. hard, and to those haters out there, u can see me in your eyes as a kid who never grew up or what ever the fcuk you want . but this is me . bite me

im sorry dear, for i strive for perfection and yet i find myself not to be the perfect lover at the time being, for some love is never perfect, but eventhough it is not . i still strive for perfection no matter what . all i wanna say is i miss you alot, memories keep flashing in my mind, you have taken over those memories which been haunting me for the past 2years . you've shown me the impossible, i do not want to exaggerate, but i never even imagine a girl could ever do so many things for the one she love, i never thought that such a person exist, you showed me so much, yet i can only return so little . i have nothing to offer, even worst of all my time is limited and i have so many things to work on . im really sorry i drag you into all of this . i truly am

The Hunger

2007-01-15T23:12:00.000-08:00

iv been up to the mountain the 4th time this season, i have doubled how many times i went snowboarding last season so early into the season . all i have in my mind is the ice, day n night . its like a drug . im hooked, or u can say 'iced' . the last memory i had of being so addicted to smth was when i started ballin, throughout the day my hands would itch and they were dying just to touch the ball . its this hunger and this beast within me, must be subdue before it goes out of hand . i cant stand just being an average joe . i cant sleep well at night knowing the fact that im a beginner, a noob at something . i have to exceed it's limit, surpass all peers n lead the pack in whatever i do . sometimes its a bad thing for people around me might find that im cocky and feel that im mr-too-good-for-everybody, but being hard of myself just to excel for my own individual hunger is the sole purpose . if that offended u, im truly sorry . but to all the haters out there . i dont really give a fcuk what you think about me . i am me . you can judge, you can hate but ill stil be me .

one thing about snowboarding that relates to dwyane wade from the miami heat is that evrytime i fall it reminds me of his saying . fall 7 times, get up 8 . he hits d deck from time to time, and he still stands up no matter what . a very good theory in life . no matter how many times i fall . im still gonna get up, despite the pain and all those feeling of giving up .. ill still stand ..

The Return Of The Son

2007-01-08T00:39:00.000-08:00

i called my mum, telling her that im goin home today, on the phone, i can hear her voice of excitement to see her son again after more than a year since i moved out, the same time i can hear her tone that is worrying about me to see or hear me again like those endless days of tears . she called again couple hours later to make sure she didnt get her hopes too high incase i changed my mind the last minute . so im where i was 2yrs ago . it was fun, and i learn alot throughout the journey, we shared tears and laughter along the way . but i guess i couldnt get over myself, for being so selfish . the thing is, im still searching for myself, to see who i am, to see where im going . its so hard at the same time, when i said i dont have a career, with no money, the fact is it doesnt change everything, but it does help . im not complaning about my job, the money is not super, but it aint the worst . just that ih have to put alot of hours in it . that concludes that it takes away alot of my time, and that means it taking away 'our' time . so money always helps no matter how you view it . but its all good . its time we take a break or a 'full time out' as they say baller words . its time we take a breather and to see who we are, and see what do we need and want . well, at least i need to find out, to refine, to do a lil soul searching, at the same time we can do the things we couldnt do all this while . i may sound selfish and self-centered, maybe i am . maybe i do need to grow . but no matter what it is . its the call we made for now . things would b better .. for sure

2007

2007-01-03T16:31:00.000-08:00

these are a few pictures of december, a picture of the first sunset of 2007, me and my new booard and snow crew during xmas, armin van buuren countdown . well people come and go, its been over 2yrs since i arrived to this city, at times i feel like i might end up somewhere else, then at times i feel i might even stay here for a long long time to come . besides my dear aunts who sometimes vizit this blog . i sometimes wonder who else has nothing better to do and come to see whats going on in my life, well if you are reading this, dont be offended, im just curious who are they people who actually come here n check this site out . over a short period of time people come and go, some went on with their own paths some lost, some still lookin for a way, whatever it is, its a brand new year to all of us who are reading this still . maybe 5yrs ago i dont find anything special about a new year or any significance to it, but this year . i do cherish everything that has happen to me, to lead me to where i am right now . i may not work the best job, or have the most money, but i do have my health and im workin very hard to the direction i think is the right one for me . compared to last year where i lost my wallet and instead of dancing the night away, i was at my friend's place watching the new york ball drop . sad story . anyways i guess i can feel its gonna be a long long time till i go to another rave again . the feeling is slowly fading away , ill find something to indulge and to be obesses with for sure . snowboarding is slowly infecting my blood and taking over basketball which i love with all my heart, but its all good . once every 10years .. comes an obessesion ..

for all of you out there, may this new year be a good one to all of us ..

Slicing Ice

2006-12-19T23:40:00.000-08:00

folks, been in the united states and officially living in los angeles for 2years 2days and counting . its my fav time of the year again, ice slicing time up in the mountains, despite getting all my weapons after 2 seasons, the only last thing im missing is a snowboard . i got the goggles, the beanie, the camo jacket, the billabong pants . it was a great saturday, we got a lil lost driving up to big bear , besides the totally fun snowboarding we had the whole day facing the snowfall in the evening, we got stuck in snow during the trip back . usually a drive to big bear is about 2hrs from LA, but on the way back, we had to buy chains and get em on the tyres , driving really slow, adding to the snow were accidents along the way . it took us 6hours to get back to LA, but frankly speakin, to me . it was all worth it . i love snowboarding, very seldom i find something that i wanna be good at, and loving the moment where i see myself improving in a short period of time . of coz i love basketball, but snowboarding gives me the adrenaline, when im cutting thru ice full speed zig zaggin my way through, its almost the same feeling when im crossingover some dude n burning him with my move ..

so hopefully this season would be fill with tons of ice slicing moments ..

That Was So Last Summer

2006-12-09T23:24:00.000-08:00

dear summer,
thinkin about the time i had my first cornrows, went to my first rave that was preform by a top dj, first time seeing the stars and sunset in a single bay, endless weekends of beer,beer and more beer, caring friends which connected in an instant, lots of clubbing and raving, endless activities,cycling with a penta-cycle, i dunno what its called by it can carry 5-6 people at the same time, it all seem like it was just yesterday, my first summer in los angeles. but months before that,i hit the biggest wall in my life, with months of uncertainties of my own future, with the fear of not having control of my own life, tears and depression hit . not knowing was i able to go to school n make a few bucks instead of having 2dollars in my pocket and hoping my dear friends would help me pay for lunch . without knowing any true friends in this new place ..

suddenly from bitter, it turn to one of the sweetest moments in my life . meeting soulmates, travelling places, having fun without a care in the world .. and i appreciate, cherish and living every moment as it goes .. eventually it had to end . i wonder sometimes will those moments like that hit again? total sadness, and suddenly with a rush of rainbows and angels falling out of nowhere, and leaving me again? dont get me wrong i had everything i wish for, a pretty nice girlfriend, a job where i found another good friend, which i never expect in my life, a friend named george aka jorge, a mexican . im going to school, busting my ass for my future . its just that i miss those times when i was broke, and had no friends and all i do was drift on the courts of venice beach alone, its so weird ..

summer 05 ...

Death Valley & Turning 23

2006-11-27T16:11:00.000-08:00

23 years old on the date of 23rd this month . have i grown wiser? have i learn anything thruout the year, well i got to give myself some credit . i guess any human would have learnt something throughout 365 of sunlight . was thinking of getting myself a snowboard, but then again maybe later on in this life, but not this birthday . it was is too costly for me, for i am a person who gets the best and not half way there, so when i get snowboard, it would probably be one of the tops boards that cost at least 500usd with everything . but its alrite . the pictures above are of a place on this earth called death valley . its located 4hours of driving from los angeles heading north east towards nevada (las vegas) . 20 of us . 20 diffrent lifestyle, 20 diffrent stories , 20 diffrent location , we became one with the desert in a way . it was interesting too see our diffrent characteristic come together . thats life in california , too many immigrants . very hard to find close friends if you are not raised here . death valley, during the summer it can easily goes up to 54celcius, and im not kidding . its one of the lowest and hottest place in the united states . its 86metres below sea level ... this one of the adventures to b written in my book of adventures here in the united states ..

there are many to come .. many birthdays and many adventures ..

Mr. Darth And Co.

2006-10-30T15:37:00.000-08:00

halloween weekend, my friends had a costume house party, so took the chance to dress up for the first time . it was hella fun! no complaints at all, evendoh i din win the best costume of the night . but its all good . was playing with my lightsaber the whole night . tommorow is the start of the nba season, i already got good tickets for the game in december, hopefully mr.bryant with the new jersey #24 would be ready for action . whats new in my life? snowboarding season is coming, gonna move to a new place this saturday, closer to venice beach, closer to school and also work, would save up all the time and gas that i use up for driving . currently . im driving 17miles to work, school and venice one way each day . my new place .. would be about 5miles away from all of that . imagine the stress that i would reduce .

anyways it was a great weekend, won the ball game, was down 12pts in the first 10mins . my lungs were hurting me cz i was partly sick, but in the end, despite all that, still drop 28pts with 3-4 assists and a few boards to go with the stats .

soak in every boo, every clap, every cheer - kobe aka the black mamba

Halloween Debut

2006-10-23T22:58:00.000-07:00

bought my latest toy last week . cant believe im still able to spend so much on a toy . guess its expected . once im determine to get something or do something . im gonna go all out . as long as it feel its worth it to me . the first pic was at gabriel's birthday party about 2 weeks ago . i was so wasted, its been a while since i drank so much . was tired before the party started . playing in the asian league . really been bz these past few days . esp since my weekly routine is going to work 36hours a week . 14 - 16hours of classes a week . and lots of hours of driving . the lease of the place im staying is gonna end mid november . been lookin for a new place to move .. ideally venice beach . a day before yesterday, i tot i finally got a place in venice . but eventually the landlord said he given the lease to someone else today . but its all good . its not like lifes gonna end or something, come to think of it iv been so much since i came to LA, this aint shit . remembering the day i sat in the living room at my mum's place literally in tears worrying about whose gonna pay my fees for school IF i did get accepted . didnt get to enroll for school, had no income so whatsoever, had no job, had no place to go, had no idea what would the next couple of weeks would bring .. that was almost 2years ago . everything is in place now .. im working my ass off at the restaurant for my fees and with some extra, i can do a lil shopping once in a while .. school, didnt make any friends, but still its all good .. im going to classes trying to learn as much as i can each day,

theres a 73year old waiter in my restaurant, i asked him last night while we working, his so strong still able to work, while most of his friends are already dead, every morning when he wakes up and feel the sunlight in his face, the first touch, when his feet touches the ground, i bet he must thank god that he is able to walk another day, to be able to breathe another day, to feel the breeze another day .

i never imagine in my life, i would b able to feel the sun in my face and my so grateful im alive for another day . i never imagine that i could push myself to such effiency and capacity to be able to produce and work so hard for myself ...

be mindful of the force ..

Dear Ronnie

2006-10-03T22:38:00.000-07:00

dear ronnie,

remember the time when u stole the ball and we were down by 2 n u pass me the ball with less than a minute left . n i drained the clutch 3 n we won the game . remember we had matching shoes, just different color . remember we met on the bus randomly and u said u didnt want to use ur motorcycle cz u felt its been a while since uv been on the bus . remember how we always talk about girls or basketball n how u try so hard to compete with me . we met about 12yrs ago . i mistaken u for a friend that i knew, but turn out u were someone else . who knew u were gonna one of my best buds for life . remember that nite when u drove me out n we went for supper . remember the time we sat at the court saying that ill b in japan one day, and u said u were gonna be somewhere in london at the same time . always with that sarcasm wherever u went . i still dream of u till today . i lost the picture of u . and the only remembrance i had of u is our memories that we shared together . i just want u to know im doing good . i finally got out of kuching, and finally living out here, overseas . i also want u to know after u left us .. 6yrs ago . i went back to our 'squad' i used ur jersey number #15 . once or twice i swear to god . i saw someone so like u . i was baffle . i wanted to call out, but deep down i know .. it wasnt you . i know we wont meet again this life . but i hope we do in the next . for now .. im trying hard .. to live this life ..

i miss you ..

Sometimes

2006-09-27T17:34:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder . how did i get here . at times i feel like goin home then at times it feels like its d best place in d world . sometimes the memories i had makes me feel how nice it to be breathing n still searching for equivalent or even better experiences to make even better memories . sometimes i feel like .. its kinda impossible to top what i had in the past 10yrs . maybe the main thing i had, the prized possesion . was being naive . a quote from a movie i watch 'easy never enters into an adult's life' ..

anyways thats L from 'death note'

Tears Of The Black Parade

2006-09-09T00:53:00.000-07:00

well my buddy stevo has left Los Angeles goin back to his hometown somewhere near pulau redang .. just kidding .. kuala terrenganu .. some state in malaysia . anyways .. couple weeks ago . i was thinking .. one day i might wake up n find everyone dat i ever knew in Los Angeles would b gone .. come to think of it, it aint that bad .. ppl come .. ppl go .. thats d way it always has been n always will be . one day u wake up . u find yourself hanging out with diffrent ppl all d time .. ppl has their own lifes to deal with . datelines to meet and destinations they have to be at . its kinda weird .. 2yrs ago .. was my last time .. lots of tears ever came out . since then . its kinda hard to look for them these days . no matter what or who wont make my tears roll down my cheek . its kinda scares me . have i lost all warmth and heart in this world? or is it just a phase? sending my friend off at the depature hall .. out of all of us .. theres a girl who had tears for my friend . i find that .. kinda shocking .. Los Angeles . ppl cant really grow close here .. can they? ppl barely touching each other's lives . how can one person have tears for the other person? is that really possible? or is she just being naive? or she doesnt realize that ppl come n go like the wind .. impossible .. she doesnt realize that .. sigh .. or is it just me ..

anyways bon voyage my friend . hope to see u again in this lifetime ..

Fading Summer At Sequoia

2006-08-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

its been a while since i update this blog . i think its d longest since .. i cant remember when . well . summers almost over . not so crazy as last year . yet not so mellow as i expected . we had our days . we had our drinking sessions . camping at sequoia as u can see on d pics . it was 5hrs drive north from Los Angeles . lots of balling this summer as usual . losing weight muscles getting tight . but also gettin tanner cz of d californian sun . i guess thats a price to pay . but i dun give a shit as long as im murdering on court . schools gonna start next monday . summer is coming to an end . gonna pick up shifts at the restaurant . earning more Gs, meaning getting more kicks fo sho . less ball . more work n school . i guess its time to lessen the fun n pick on the work n studies ..

holla to my home boys and home girls who hit on this blog every now and then . appreciate you all .

I O G B

2006-07-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

the other day i was on my way to work and i saw a car in front of me, and it had the car plate IOGB . its like it was speaking out to me when i found out what it meant, it was telling me a message . was talkin to a friend on the fon yesterday . she said she remembered the 1st few mths when i just got here, everyday talking abt my ex n my old life n complainin i got no friends and LA is not the place i tot it would be . after many mths of complaining, sleeping, eating n lots of basketball . 19 mths of ups and downs . iv finally declare myself absorb and adapted to the lifestyle of an urban resident in the city called Los Angeles . ppl come, ppl go, ppl who i met when i just got here has move on, some even went back, some just grew distant, newcomers are in the house . one day they will leaVe too , but it aint that big of a deal to me anymore . cz i know its not only happening to me of because of the location, i used to blame it on the location and ppl around me . but i was a fool . from what i learnt after so many mths being here . its becoz thats life . its happening everywhere, here in los angeles, kuching whereva . n another thing that came to a shock to me . it just din happen when i got here in LA . its been happening all my life . friends come n go . interest differs with time . mutual interest differs, conflicts, dramas . and ppl move on n choose whereva n whom they feel most comfortable with . and abt my ex, its time for me to let her live her life without me constantly being a nuisance to her . theres no more complaining abt life from me ... its summer in LA . time to party hard, and that operation has already been operating since the start of summer ..

It Only Gets Better ...

Independance Day

2006-07-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

independance day weekend . we went hiking at Escondido Falls via Malibu . tons of ppl . we hike up the mountain for abt 2 -3hrs . but cant complain much, cant expect the the waterfall to be like the ones in malaysia, cant even swim in it . but it was fun overall . not really a hiking guy, but it was fun and it got more challenging towards the top . somedays i feel like i wanna go home a few years from now, but yet somedays i feel like i might stay here forever . even if i go back now or soon . there wont be much left for me . n even some ppl back home wanna get out . will see how things goes ..

enjoying the ride for now , every bit of it ..

Californication

2006-06-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

i used to live in a city of 400 thousand people, im living now in a metropolitan of 10million homosapiens running around like crazy, isnt it weird to be in a place that huge n yet it gets harder to get to know someone . people come, people go, thats the LA life i guess . but come to think of it again, when i landed on dec17th 04, nowhere is gonna b d same for me ever again, even back home .

my latest toy on my wishlist is a sony vaio laptop . gonna try hard to strive for it

the sun may rise in the east, but it sets in the final location
its californication

Insearch Throughout

2006-06-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

Often lost in time and space,
Travels journeys without guides,
Working hard to make the race,
Chasing dreams is day and night

Asking what is all this for,
Wanders and shoots without a bow,
Should I settle or go for more,
Should I stay or should I go

In the end it starts again,
Rewinding never ending,
Praying standing but still in the rain,
Time and change everlasting burning

Pushing hard through the pain
Instead thinking, is it in vain

Paintball 06

2006-06-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

top pic . continuation from newport beach's bbq . the pics after that was last weekend's paintball event . comparison, this year's map was way better than last year's . but d crowd was about the same . heat was too high that day, we had around 40ppl . by 2pm it was like 7 versus 7 . the rest couldnt take the heat . the heat was too high . near a 100F . or should i say around 36Celcius . anyways it was worth the heat . i had fun . i dunno about the rest of d guys . d pic below . u see the guy on the right , can u bliv it . he broke his leg . on the last map . i dun mean breakin ankles at the beach, but literally breaking his leg . omg . i think he cant do any sports for one or two years to come . if it were me .i think i would book the next flight back to malaysia .

summer's here wat can i say . waiting for the adrenaline to set in . not expecting high waves of adrenaline, but at least more events . but i do look fwd to snowboarding again this year end .

school's over on friday . i guess its time to back on my regular job, that is a serious full time beach baller down at venice . w00t

Memorial Weekend

2006-06-01T16:47:00.000-07:00

memorial weekend was last week . actually i din really wanna post about it . being me . being lazy . well din had pics at all . so din really plan to post about it . then today they send me the link to the pics for the beach bbq that they took last sunday . with a camera that cost 2k usd!!! holy cow . d quality is top notch . i need a camera like that too . damn . well not much to say about the pics . me n my girl hanging n chilling . and also ur lookin at the star playa of dodgeball . they din know wat games to play first . so i said why dont we try dodgeball . hell yea it was fun! this weekend . paintball week . these are the moments i live for, being here in cali . living for great weekends and the beaches . during weekdays . i soak under the cali sun at venice beach where i ball . i dun care i look 'tan' iv never look this dark in my whole life before . but i got to say . u got to feel wat i feel to decide wat i decide . u get my drift? im hitting jumpshots, breakin ankles down at d beach while d neverending waves hit the rocks while d sun slowly sit at the horizon lookin at me doing a reverse lay up .

yea lifes good here in cali . but i got to say i miss d lil things that i have lost . like chilling with fwends on weekdays, doing nothing but just drinking at some cafe talking ..

but im trying hard . to live in the moment .. everytime i think about home . i try to tell myself .. all this is gonna b gone .. life is just temporary, so i got to give everything a shot n play d full 48minutes before it all goes away ..

Odd To The Family

2006-05-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

some crazy fever rushed thru my head when my old retro huarache was breaking down, it still can b worn, but i tot to myself its time for me to get some new kicks . the latest addition to the family is my beloved air jordan 3 n 4 . omg . wet is all i can say . 'wet!'. was rocking in those aj4 at d beach today killin cats . its been a while since i ball in malaysia . wonder if i go back would b skillz b way diffrent like how i always expect ppl to go to the US of A . but for sure mentally i would b diffrent . after seeing new things n experience new stuff . i guess someway or another our mental screws would b diffrent . like appreciating things that i have not 'lost' but 'temporary not available' like my homies back home, my grandma, my dad, my grandma's food . laksa, kueh chap, belachan .. but i guess its really a good exp for me at a young age like this .

anyways i love my new kicks!!!

Transformers

2006-05-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

the end is always a new beginnin as they say, lakers end the season with a 31pts lost to phoenix in game7 . i knew if they din win game6 at home, how are they gonna win on d road against a 2nd best team in the whole western conference . well got to give credit to kobe playing with all his heart this season, even scored 81pts n 62pts in a single game this season . well i was surfin online, was curious of wat had happen to my fav anime as i was a kid, 'transformers' i think they are gonna hit it big again, mayb this year, with the upcoming 'transformers, the movie' . no doubt growing up as a kid, i always wanted the action figure or optimus prime that my cousins had, i guess i never did get it . maybe one day soon . besides optimus prime, during a child, at an early age, iv always like 'star scream' i didnt know why, his one d outcast from the good guys, who didnt really make it big with d bad guys . as a child iv already wanted to stand out from others i guess . thats how i see it i guess .

my 2nd summer is gonna b here soon, for all of u out there who are like me, still trying hard at this game, so called 'life' . keep it up ...

Color, The Spelling Of American English

2006-04-30T00:37:00.000-07:00

"color" is the american spelling as for british english, it would b "colour" . above is the color of cheese + chocolate cake that i had few hours ago at a restaurant called 'cast away' located north of downtown Los Angeles . the other picture is me wondering what am i, what have i created of myself . its weird feeling, for i have been living in this city of 17million ppl for more than 16mths . months after months, the location is the same, but the feeling and d color of d city month after months change, i remembered the 1st day, d color was white and was so eagerly to b painted diffrent colors, as i move along, somedays it was gray n black with d clouds, somedays it was blue clouds and happy endings, some were tears of sadness n loneliness, so many colors, d colors of my 1st summer was great too, full of excitment and yet so little cash i had in my pocket, even till the extent it was hard to buy myself a meal . but recently d colors has been more stable, its not changing so drastically . after d recovery of my arm, iv been ballin alot at the beach, hitting Js, breakin ankles .

like 2nite at d restaurant dining with my mum and caterine, theres 17million ppl in this city, and what fate n luck we had 2 b there eating n smiling together at that table . i had dreams of living overseas, n im currently in d dream, till sometimes i feel like i want to b in a dream that i forget that actually im in the dream itself .

on monday may 1st, mexicans and immigrants are gonna go on strike, most of them not going to school and are not gonna work, even the ones working at my restaurant, that is wat they have said and plan on tv n in off tv . if that were to really happen i wouldnt imagine how much money would b lost in the economic market of Los Angeles . they are goin on strike cz many of em have been living in the states for years and still are branded and exile 'illegal' . im really lookin fwd for the outcome and the extent of their doing .

- god speed to the colors of Los Angeles -

Perish

2006-04-21T03:14:00.000-07:00

somewhat . couldnt sleep in this mid spring friday morning . woke up at 230am . couldnt go back to sleep . so hit my ipod with tiesto's music again . kinda refreshing and slightly heading to the right mood . was thinkin about the past again . esp d past 2 days . i miss those fridays i had . was talkin to my chef about it . i told him how i wake up on friday mornings excited about the whole weekend . goin to the office at first . finish work at noon . head to the car wash . then resting at home till 4/5pm . ballin time . after a few superb games . will go home and rest till friends come n pick me up . and off to the bars we head . checkin out chiqs and getting tipsy . i know how to have fun .. totally . but now .. all i do is create excuses for myself to hide from the outside world . to hide myself during the weekends . i have no drive or urge to hang out with anybody . its like i totally lost my will to survive . every friday its like every monday to me . its no diffrence . nothing exciting is gonna happen . just keep on making excuses for myself . n yet i know every 'moment' or present that we live in will perish sooner or later . nothing will ever stay the same . dun u feel its sad . that nothing will ever stand in a place . eternity that is what man seek . but even time itself will perish . knowing that even right now . this moment . iv never work this hard for something in my whole life . its been a long time since i started this endless routine of mine . hardly interacting with any humans, except a mexican chef and a el savadorian dishwasher . sadly to say . its the only 2 friends i interact with daily, one doesnt even speaks english . i dun even get the chance to dress up like i used to . i only use my black shirt n pants for work 5 days of the week . i am prisoner of my own design?.? am i?

Snow Surfer

2006-04-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

sometimes in life we have to give n take . spring break just ended yesterday, aint much happening the whole week . i had to work still . so not much of a spring break n also it aint like i know lots of ppl in college to go to some party or anything, just working n having more sleep than usual . but when the weekend came, iv already decided to go snowboarding last couple weeks, due to my injury of my right arm, i din make it to the last 2 snowboarding trips, so i got to make it up . went snowboarding again . listenin to tiesto's 'in search of sunrise 5' while on the lift up the mountain n d clouds hovering in . pure heaven . euphoria and adrenaline felt . it was a good week overall, ballin, snowboardin, watching movies life aint too bad afterall .

the ones who are lucky only realized that till the end, for all of us have to realized we were lucky yesterday is when we realized how unlucky we are today . for we would never accept that we are lucky today . for only we realized that we were lucky when we are unlucky

Category: Friends

2006-04-08T01:43:00.000-07:00

1st of all . about 7yrs ago, a person named balan told me . 'not all people that speaks to u are ur friends'. so i was kinda so into it . when i think abt it . not all ppl who speaks to me are my friends . so wat are friends? pretty tough question i guess .

anyways this entry wasnt suppose to b here this soon, i was slowly drowsing into sleep at around 1+ in the morning, suddenly my chef called, george. he called n said he was checking out my blog n pictures. so i asked him to sign in his messenger, so i waited in front of d computer for 40mins, which he never did sign in . i dunno why . i never did got back to sleep, thats why im writing this .

anyways back to my topic . wat is a friend? well for me. a 'friend' is totally a diffrent version from wat normal ppl consider friends to be . i think u got to check if ur name is in my phone or not, mayb ull qualify to be a 'friend'. thats just maybe, even if u do, u may still not qualify as a friend, coz i only keep 3types of ppl's name in my phone, family, friends and ppl i have use for . im like a parasite, i cant deny that. well 2nd of all to be a 'friend' i guess u have 2 b 'close', like knowing where he/she lives and wats goin on in their lives n shit . not just saying hi n bye once in a lifetime could consider to b a 'friend'. or even see each other on events and go like 'hey how u doing, its been a while' etc . thats just plain bullshit . those ppl askin that, think again, most likely they dun even care if ur doing good or not or ur still alive or buried 6feet under, they just being polite n asking for the sake of conversation, so they wont seem like an asshole . so i wont deny this, for those type of ppl, they can die in an accident or get kill or watever, basically disappear from the face of the earth, he/she wont even bother me if i dont get to see their faces again, if their existence has been erased. they are the same category with those homeless ppl i see on d streets . they dun matter to me . most likely, when they die, i wont be goin to their funeral, neither would i expect for them come to mine. i have experimented with those funerals before, there was a guy who wasnt close to me, but i knew him n he knew me. couple years ago, he died in a car accident, his car crashed into a tree, some ppl told me that he died . tell u d truth, i din give a fcuk abt it . seriously, even if dat person din tell me . it would b d same, makes no diffrence in my life . some ppl are trying to act so nice n they can save the world . but from my eyes . this is reality . so bite it

p.s so i guess i know quite a number of ppl, an average person knows about 300ppl i heard . i myself know about 500 or more, but i have only about 5% or less are in this category that i considered as a 'friend' . for those who consider me as a 'friend' of urs with just saying hi n bye. thats too naive n basically stupid . think again, when u ask me 'how am ur doing' and all those other bullshit .

- peace -

Death

2006-04-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

One new thing I learnt this weekend:

You scored as Posion. Your death will be by poison, probably because you are a glutton and are around so many people that it would be easy to get away with it. Several important people in history share your fate.

Stabbed

87%

Posion

87%

Suicide

73%

Drowning

60%

Eaten

60%

Disease

53%

Gunshot

47%

Cut Throat

33%

Natural Causes

27%

Suffocated

20%

Bomb

20%

Disappear

13%

Accident

13%

How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com

The Endless Bigger Picture

2006-03-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

1st of all, for balan, i havent had d chance yet to take a picture of my street, gonna try to do it next post,2nd of all, shout out to my best bud in the world for turning 23yrs old on 27th march, happy belated birthday. 3rd of all, read an entry of a blog of my brother . abt em rolling em cadillacs, pimpin em hoes and ballin em clubs right abt now . come to think of it . neither of us has been literally rollin em caddilacs or doing those stuff . but wat i learned these past few weeks, was to appreciate 'the moments'. wat moments u may ask. i dunno abt some ppl, but there was lots of times when i felt lost, esp in the streets of KL, those clubs, in Los Angeles, at the beach n tons of places, its not literally meaning lost in 'i cant find my way home' type of lost, but lost as in sitting there, worrying or thinking wat should i do next, or where should i go next. should i head back to the hotel room n call it a night, or keep on wandering on the streets of sg wang to look for smth to fill my time with. and to minimize that kind of 'lost' will mean more time of 'bliss' for me, we din really pimp those hoes or ride em caddilacs or ball em clubs, but we did had our moments, we roll in em convertables, ball em tiesto, pimpin em malaysian chics, we sat at the beach to watch ppl surf n dolphins swim . that was 'bliss', to be living in the moment where u dun think abt where to go or wat to do, u just wanna b there at that moment, that place, that time. ull b lost inside that moment of bliss. i guess thats the happiness we all look for. but without 'lost' there wont b much meaning to 'bliss'. i dun think much ppl know wat crap am i talkin abt in this entry, but its ok. i learn that, those moments of 'bliss' came along, when i tot they would never come again. i still get to meet those special ppl along d way. u all know who u are. if ur reading this rite now. ur on d list ..

and when i tot i knew it all. i always find myself at the beginning again, learning new things that i never imagine .. one of those things is to look at the picture n find a new thing on d picture, but the truth was it was there all along, just that i learned a new way of lookin at it

the endless size of the picture of life .

The 405

2006-03-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

well today at work wasnt the best days i worked there . when everyday i have to take the 405 freeway back home . about 40+kms n the 405 has one of the heaviest traffic in the world esp during 8-10am 2-9pm, i drive app. about 20km per hour , so when u do the math it takes me about 1hour+ each way to get home, once i was caught up to 2hrs on the freeway just to get home . anyways today i took the most outter lane, which means in the middle of the freeway, so i was able to see the faces of ppl goin the other way, i thought about the book i read 'The Alchemist' n how Santiago read the language of the world in sheeps and deserts n how the world consipire to help us succeed . when i woke up this morning i kept telling myself over n over again the whole day 'things are gonna b alrite, things are gonna b alrite' to my suprise, it kinda worked, anyways back to the freeway, so i decided to look at those thousands n thousands of faces on the way home, i saw ppl yawning, ppl singing to the same song that was playing on the radio channel that i was listening, i saw ppl talk on the fon, ppl talkin, sleeping while the driver drives, ppl scratching, ppl lookin back at me . so i was singing to the song on the radio while lookin at the ppl on the freeway . its the language of the world ..that i forgot why was i here in LA . why am i driving on the freeway, why did i chose to resign from my job back home n move here . i forgot i was in one of the most wonderful cities in the world . instead of lookin at the side where it lacks kuching's warmth n love, on the other hand , it has diversity, opporturnity, privacy n u can sit at a starbucks drinking coffee on a sunday afternoon n just drift into the moment, where as in kuching, u cant do that ..

it kinda brighten up my day thinking abt the things said in the book ..
why am i in LA? why am i breathing californian air? it all came back to the decision i made to come here to look for my own 'treasure', to acheive my dreams of living overseas since i was a kid . like santiago leaving his sheep n pursue his dreams of finding his treasure in the desert . as for him , he met with theives n sand storms etc . same goes to life . as how u view it ..

i think, this is the turning point for me . tommorow will be a year n 3mths since iv been here .. theres no more lookin back at my 'sheeps' anymore ..

god created desert so that man can appreciate trees

The Alchemist

2006-03-15T18:00:00.000-08:00

well lets start off here, my arm hasnt heal, i still cant put my arm straight, i think i just got a parking ticket while at work today . 30bucks down the drain . for the first time ever, fail in english, i learned english since i was like 3yrs old? although its not my 1st language, but i know and i speak it like its my 1st language . and right now im taking literature . omg its freaking hard . well anyways . just thought i hang around the library for a while, do some studying on math n might as well read the next assignment . its called 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho . actually i was suppose to read up to page45 for today's class, but out of pure luck i just went n bought it few minutes before class . and about half an hour after class right now . iv read abt mayb near 50pages . i really highly recommed everyone to get this book n read it . its basically about a boy n his struggle with life n the ppl he meets n trying to acheive his dream . its actually about everday life n d things we face ourselves . but its in another version ..it tells abt magic n wonders . well it kinda made me think abt myself n the things i want, n why am i here in Los Angeles right now . its kinda sad when we 'have' to do the things we'r doing rather then 'want' to do the things we'r doing right now . the book made me think about the things iv gone thru to b here . its really a good book n it relates to anyone ..

well, back to reading ..

Strangers

2006-03-05T22:21:00.000-08:00

ever been in a whirlpool? LA's the best place to feel that . the energy is so high, n ull feel lost inside it . theres so many ppl around u n yet they are all just strangers . have u ever been to the clubs in KL? dont u feel that d ppl are just so fake n lonely in the big city . imagine a place mayb hundred of times bigger . the life in the big city . the ppl around me, those ppl i saw with my own eyes, housemates, skoolmates, colleagues, friends etc . u cant feel the warmth n heart of anyone . u see ppl leaving just like that . try standing in the middle of d city . ull see ppl walkin pass u n just walkin on by without even noticing ur there at all ppl smile during d weekends n talk and ask how are u doing, n u noe they just ask n talk to u just for the sake of asking, the sincerity is totally not there, u wont feel that u belong anywhere or to any group of ppl, ur just drifting n hanging in there .thats the exact feeling i have .. since iv been here more than a year and 3mths already . ppl just come n leave california just like that, even malaysians . everyone is just walkin to their own place . kuching, a place so small n nth to do during the weekends . but u feel the sense of belonging, n when i look behind me . or even if i dont, ill know that there are ppl behind me that will stand rite behind me . n yet here, when i look behind i dun have anyone here, not a single person, mayb my girl n my mum,n mayb steven n thats it . d rest? are all like strangers just passing by . thats why when friday is coming, i dun even have d hype or energy at all, cz the city has drown it all . i was having dinner with a friend just now . we were talkin abt this, n he said his adapted to the lifestyle, he said he still can b friends or can consider friends that he meet all over, till now . all the ppl i met now .. are just strangers walkin on by ..

Disgusted

2006-03-03T23:21:00.000-08:00

friday night, 1123pm . about a year and a half ago . around this time in Kuching, i would be drinking some where with my friends talking crap n still ~~checking out girls as usual~~, but due to the life i have now . im living a life of a 60yr old maybe . i dun hit the clubs since nov05 , never smoke, never drink, never dance, i dunno wat else i dun do anymore . for someone so active like me, to totally die down . im disgusted when i look at my hair, my face even, my skin, my weight, my arm especially . cant play ball, cant snowboard (no money for that anyways) . im disgusted when i look at my car . im disgusted lookin at my clothes too, which havent been updated like for mths? evendoh if i get new clothes, i wouldnt have d chance to wear em, during weekends? i would just rot at home . financially disgusted, totally flat, education, none, qualifications, zero . decision making, really really bad . what have i done to myself? i think i need a breather ..

A Friend Named Change

2006-03-02T16:28:00.000-08:00

Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal
was talkin to a few friends the last few weeks abt the old carefree times, and how things has changed just in a this coming years, some were within a few years, some even a few mths . i guess come to look at it . its not that sad actually, just that when u think of it, people change all d time, time changes ppl in some ways, sometimes we dont feel that wev change but at the same time we keep questioning ourselves 'how come those ppl i know are no longer the ppl i once knew?', they change together with time . but fact of the matter is, wev changed too .. along with time, just that we dun realize it . but some ppl will always remain in my heart till the day i perish .. like a very best friend of mine who left this world when we were just 17 . 6yrs ago he died in an road accident . ronnie sng . he din get to have that shot like all of us have rite now . to have a shot at our dreams, not even say to acomplish his dreams, but just to have a shot at it . i dreamt of him the other nite,in my sleep, both of us playing ball together etc . but friends come n go . its like ur always on this journey on ur own, on a train on ur own, heading ur own destination, ppl come, ppl go, some have to get off earlier cz their heading to a diffrent destination then us, some stay longer but in the end . its gonna b just u at the end of d stop .

i guess the most u can make out of memories, are to let those memories b happy ones, n keep it with ur heart n cherish it . n at d same time its kinda sad, why that happy or special moment have to end, but really thinking of it, if it doesnt come to an end . it wouldnt b as special as it is . if u take sugar at a large amount continuously u wouldnt feel d sweetness at all one day .. i guess it comes down to something like that ..

all things are the same, work, school, friends, bball mates, cars, clothes, even ur ownself ..they all change .. at an alarming rate, dont they ..

Dreaming Away

2006-02-27T21:41:00.000-08:00

im sorry those who were worried sick when they read my blog, esp aunt linda, aunt molly,aunt kimmy to my mum esp . i guess its been a rough patch these couple of mths . but most of d time it has been since i left kch for LA . its like im riding this roller coaster when i step thru d terminal of kch airport on 13th dec 2004 . its been up n down till now, but overall im still hanging on am i . problems keep coming n hitting me in the face there were so many times i wanted to just give up n pack my bags n go back home . but iv chosen this path myself, to come n search for a new life . i guess it comes with a heavy price n with that, strong dreams must be a must .

well the weekend was spent in the utmost laziest way u could ever imagine, for the whole friday, i was just at home watching anime n surfing blogs, doing nth, on sat the same .. d whole day n nite . till sunday, i went out with my girl to palos verdes, a place south of redondo beach, its an estate really where koreans n white ppl live, but i remembered a park where there was once i got lost with my mum lookin for a college n ending up there . with the beautiful blue californian sky n the waves by the side, d sun in ur face, with kids running around without care . fresh air was the answer to a perfect relaxing sunday ..

i guess even with all the odds or whatever odds there may or would be, i am here already am i . ill maximize wat i have in hand to acheive wateva i can ..

i always run from problems n i would always envy other ppl esp when im stuck in a situation, i was thinkin the other day, how nice if we all could go back in time n change wat we done wrong in the past, i was thinkin wat would i change if i could go back in time .. so dat i wont b this miserable sometimes .. but i tot .. mayb iv changed it already, iv took the step .. im already better than wat i was .. or if there was ever .. a 'was' . anyways just a thought .. i am wat i am .. nothings gonna change that

Somebody Shoot Me

2006-02-22T16:43:00.000-08:00

ok lets see, im gonna list down a few situations u can b in n u can think abt it , which one would u b in . alrite

a) u work ur ass off at the restaurant every single day eating d same food at the restaurant u work at so that u can save money to pay for ur school, n by the time u saved up to around 700usd+, that mayb takes 3/4 of a month, u lost ur wallet, ur local id, driving license and all the money u work ur ass for, the extra delivery shifts that u take on the weekends, the shitty tips u get, all for nothing . and u lost it while new year's eve and xmas eve was around d corner .

b)u bring ur friend around town n decided to bring him to vizit d famous beach, as u were playing ball as usual, ur tendon in ur arm as shown on the pic above, got hit by an elbow of some 6"foot guy, ok, no big deal, u felt a little numbness at first n u pushed on just to make sure u dun make a wuss out of urself, later on that nite u cant even lift ur right arm no more . and for a week already u still cant put it straight, so u have to take off from work, meaning even less or no money at all, now lets not relate case a. with case b. oh yea n ur working to pay ur school fees .

c)ok another case, u injured some part of ur body part a weekend b4 d big snowboarding day, so not only d pain from the injury stop u from doing wat u love, like playing basketball n going snowboarding, lets not relate case a&b to this one k, u cant do wat u love, n addition to that u have to pay 100usd cz u couldnt find anybody else to take ur place to go snowboarding .

d)ok seperate case from a,b&c, u wake up 630am in the morning to hit traffic for nearly an hour to get to school, sit there in class 745am - 815am, teacher was late, didnt teach anything, talked abt how hectic her life is n her husband's injury, so basically waited till like 840am n when she arrived, taught u nothing at all, didnt take attendance n class ended 15mins earlier than usual, ok so u got another class at 345pm - 5pm so u stayed in school the whole day, (since u have no job or cant work), know nobody at school, zero friends, nobody to talk to in a school which consist of 32000 students, so i guess the most u can do is stay around the cafeteria ~~to check out girls~~ or either stay in the library n stay online for like 6hrs n 25mins just to wait for that class, when the time came, u went to class n u see a notice on the door saying 'class cancel', so besides the fact that u can go home early without traffic, u have to go home during peak hours, n take about 45mins to get back home...

of the 4 cases, just choose one which u think is d nicest, by the end of d day today, i wasnt angry or pouting, i was laughing when i was driving home thinkin about all those things that happen to me . really, it still amaze me wat life can bring u sometimes .. i was thinkin mayb on d way back some big trailer could crush into me to break my legs n car, or mayb some pipe could hit thru my eye, losing one eyeball or just might as well use a cutter to take out my heart n crush it into a million pieces .. i was thinkin abt home when bad things happen, but in a row .. home aint gonna help me now ..

ill sell my soul .. if that wat it takes ..

The New Routine

2006-02-20T09:21:00.000-08:00

these two pictures up here , college library that doesnt open 24hrs like the other big schools like UCLA or USC, but better than INTI Kuching i guess, but its a good place where you can get peace and quiet or browsing around blogspots or friendsters . anyways , been really bz these days with my new routine, school has started and mon - fri , i have to wake up 630am to beat the traffic n by the time i get to school, is almost 8am already, be in in class till 920am and head to the restaurant n ~~work~~ till 3pm and half of the week i got to head back to class at 345pm n be there till like 500pm n by the time i finish, drive back home with the traffic . if im lucky ill b home by 6-7pm .

what more to say i injured my right arm at venice on friday, i cant even put it straight right now, luckly today its a holiday for me . but better get it ready by fri, cz snowboarding time is here again. and after that . i guess its hardwork all the way.. but i guess everythings comes with a price, how naive could i be when i thought leaving kch would straight land me on paradise, well i guess its paradise in it's own way . getting to exp things that i could never exp in Kuching .

its not that i dun wanna update, its just that i got caught up these days with my new routine, thats all .

Chinese New Year Eve

2006-01-31T21:32:00.000-08:00

my 2nd winter trip, 1st one in japan in 98 and now d 2nd one in south california jan 2006 . its chinese new year eve that day, and i was hype up to go snowboarding for d very first time, i knew i was gonna love it, i just didnt know that i was gonna love it that much . got my cny clothe . it was a billabong snowboarding pants . d pic is showing couple of us getting our gear at d shop b4 heading up to d mountain top .

thats me with my gear, wat can i say
a feeling of nostalgia, this one of d things im aiming to get good at, i guess im just addicted to speed and d adrenaline rush, gonna try n get back up d mountain as soon as possible .

Rebirth

2006-01-25T15:54:00.000-08:00

a picture of me, my girl n a few friends at a yakiniku place at Korean Town, it was last weekend . the food was just alrite, not that great or watsoeva . price was middle ranged . cz in LA when u go out to lunch or dinner plus tax n tips 10bucks per person is kinda cheap . dinner, always b ready for 15-20usd . i guess when ur a small fish swimming in the big sea . u got to pay d price . aint no kuching price no more .

as usual today, was stuck in traffic for about an hour, a million things can pass ur mind once ur driving like 20mph or 30+kmph for an hour . i sometimes, n still do wonder how did my life turn out this way, dun get me wrong. im not complaining or anything, just that . how did i end up here .. in Los Angeles . i was thinking abt my dad . how we smoke together at home watching tv or eating dinner with my grandma, taking my car to the car wash on fridays n getting ready for the weekend . playing ball .. and suddenly its so diffrent now . stuck in traffic for almost 2 hours each day . instead of balling at jkr or tabuan jaya, ballin in venice beach .. its just diffrent kind of enviroment . diffrent angles for view points n just d amount of air u take in, each breathe is diffrent now . i know lots of ppl told me . not to look back n instead be exicted for wats coming .. but i guess from time to time .. i still miss home . cant blame me . i guess i still need some time, evendoh im already here for a year and a month now ..

rebirth is what i have chosen, rebirth so it may be

Kobe vz Shaq IV

2006-01-17T20:41:00.000-08:00

shaq was in town last nite at staples center . 25k seats was sold out, no doubt . kobe-shaq iv. and near the end of the 4th quater kobe got better of his teammate finally after the fourth try in 2 years, he made 13 of his 24 shots n all 9 of his free throws . scored 37pts . kobe has been averaging 40.5pts in his last 11games . wat can i say . kobe is doing his thang .

i drove down with my girl to staples last nite . praying that we would get tix to watch d once in a year matchup at staples . but standing outside in the cold for more than an hour didnt help . so we ended up in the sports bar at staples center . ppl cheering n shouting . it was kinda fun doh . for a cheaper entertainment .

my own game on sunday was also a superb one . i only scored 4pts in the 1st half . playing really badly . n we were down by 5 - 9pts most of the time . n by 2nd half . i played 3 times better . scored 3 times more . stole d ball 3 times n at least 4 - 5 assists . with a minute to go . we tied the game with a 6 -0 run at 52 . with 30secs left . i was knocked down to the floor . waiting for d call dat wasnt ever made by d ref . d opposing team got fouled . so he had 2 free throws with 16secs left . omg . wat a joke! he missed 2 of them . we got the rebound . timeout was called . n with 15secs remaining . the ball was inbounded to me . i was going for the last shot . as i took d 1st dribble . i was double teamed so i threw it to my center . n two more players collapse on him . with a split second thought i was already cutting to d basket . my center dish back the rock to me . n with 2 secs left . i made d lay up . game time baby! . dat was it 54 - 52 . clutch play . aint too bad if i say so myself . havent played in a game like that for quite a while .

/- peace out -/

The Inevitable

2006-01-11T16:07:00.000-08:00

my first two nba games, pic1 clippers vz kobe = kobe lost, pic2 clippers vz hawks = blowout . i think clippers are gonna do pretty well compared to all those years they have gone thru, but got to say kobe's having a madness month this month, scoring 40+pts in all his previous games . leading everyone in scoring . fuhs

i reached home not long ago just now . nothing much, just another day of work at the restaurant . when i was on the way back . same shit, stuck in traffic again as usual . really heavy traffic on the 405freeway . was thinkin, this traffic is inevitable everyday, same as 'change' ,we all face 'changes' in our lives from one stage to the other, we all have hard times adapting to the new enviroment n surroundings in our lives, we move on eventually but no matter how hard we try to remain the same, things are the way it is, time changes people, people change, even we dont realize it, we change also .. inside of us . little by little we change , the way we think, act n make judgements. eventhough its not by our own will but we change, we adapt, we survive . in the end, one thing in this world is forever unchangeable, that is change itself .