Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Count Your Blessings

its 2:12am . about 15hours ago . i woke up . i saw the sun, wind was blowing strong outside the window . i was excited about life and its potential . i was craving for life . and 15hours later, things has turned 180 degrees . my saviour, my closest person iv been sleeping next to for months, told me shes in that hesitation mode again . she doubts herself, doubts me, doubts us, doubts the potential that we are able to acheive, iv been fighting over and over for a while now to build this power house of trust, to tell her to take my hand and ill lead her to the promised land, even if it means die trying . yet she has so many fears and doubts that it might fail, that its a risk, that it will mean losing everyhing to her and gaining nothing but a shot at life.

i took two sleeping pills, i hate the fact that my emotions are so messed up that i need sleeping pills to help me to sleep, to overcome this wall of emotions that im climbing . im not asleep yet . this is one of the toughest times in my 25yrs of life . its the darkest of all times . i have not work for almost 6 months, i cant go to school . i cant do anything . my life has been put on hold, and i feel like i see the light and im almost there, then i look back to find that im nowhere near the light .

iv been following tsewer beta for many years now, he has produce a few tracks that is absolutely worth paying to it in your ipod . "count your blessings" is one of em that im listenin to now . i feel it tells an amazing story and it help keeps me sane . cause it reminds me not to swallow the hold box of sleeping pills, it reminds me that im stronger than that, that i can overcome this and look back and laugh . it reminds me to count my blessings, the blessings i have, my family, my health, my sight, my hearing, my touch .

sometimes we all just forget how beautiful we are and we need something to reminds us that we are, indeed beautiful .

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Trip

it was friday night 9th october 2009 . we decided to go hang out at her friend's place . 12:17am and 4:18am was the time the mental vacation begin cause of the consumption . total duration of the mental vacation was 33 hours 28 minutes . into this dream like state . never really slept the whole time and yet i was dreaming awake . reality has been distorted, memory lost, patterns would be seen on potraits and walls and on stairs . another world was appearing to me with the reflection of light on the ceiling in a room of darkness . literally . i was convinced i could see another world through a shadow that at that point in time look like a window .

the sun came up, we were outside . had no clue where i was or where we were going . the sun was in my face, i look at my girlfriend and i asked myself "who is she? where am i? where are we going? what am i?" all those questions instantly came to mind, but due to fatigue, i decided to walk along aimlessly and just hope im in safe hands . later on we got back to the house . memory lost took full throttle, as a baby born with a blank slaid . i return to that state . where i couldnt remember my name, how many languages i speak, what is a brother? and how does he look like . to the core essense of life itself . i was questioning all these questions in my head yet the answers were coming back at the same time at rapid speed, im convinced it came back faster than light speed . all the pieces was put back together not at once, but as if how Merlin could move objects .

saturday night, i was convinced that the room which was literally home, was a figment of my imagination, a creation of my mind . the sound that came out from the tv was talking to me, even a movie iv seen before by jim carrey turned purple cartoonish background and there were lil purple planets and stars hovering in the background of that movie like a cartoon, so it has to be in my head . the loneliness i felt was amplified . forever seems to take on a new meaning . i was running around the house lookin for her, and it seems like a nightmare where the door would close behind me and i would see part of her going into the room . paranoia was at its best . i couldnt be sure, cause reality was already distorted . finally i came to a theory that they were plotting against me, not wanting me to wake up to the real world, which is reality . cause i asked her many times "where am i?" . she answered "you're here" but that wasnt the answer i wanted to hear . i wanted to know why am i in this dream like state .

despite the moving seeds in that potrait, city on the ceiling peering through a window that was made out of light in a room of darkness, monster in the backyard with one eye, the streams of water flowing against gravity which the stairs evolve into . im more interested to go back there and control the paranoia and memory lost . but at the same time .. it took friday night to sunday morning to completely return to reality .

the memory still lingers and i will never look at anything ever the same again