Monday, January 22, 2007

Desire


theres few words that can desribe the person named marvin, stubborn, vain, at times annoying and constantly self proclaim to be something or someone .

anyways . this past saturday, i went to mountain high, an hour drive from LA . heading north east towards Las Vegas direction . i do not possess any pics from the event because it was the first time in my life that i went to do something alone . the obsession of snow has taken over . i have to kill the addiction by hitting the slopes to carve some ice . i was suprise at myself . for 23yrs i have never ever .. did anything on my own . all the time i have to someone accompany me . even for a simple meal, i would call my friends . but back home usually they would call me . to those who are reading, i deeply appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, u guys know who are . but in another life not too long later . i find myself in a totally diff situation, where the handphone is known as the cell phone .. it never rings anymore . even the fear of loneliness is so overwhelming . i rather starve at home than go outside for a meal alone . i hate the fact that i feel like im a loser with no friends if im eating alone . n yet my theories of life is to be cocky and not to lose face to anyone . even it means not making friends .. that is why my circle is so small in life . dont you think its weird it contradicts each other? and also the strive to perfection is one of the other desire that is making my life hard . when i do something i have to be the best or at least i need to know i am the best in the shortest period . i tend to leave my friends behind, like when i started playing ball at 10, by the age of 15 . iv already surpass all my peers who trained together with me, in the end i chose to leave them . i told myself, the better must move on, they cant live with the weak, so i chose to play for the championship team that we work so hard to beat . they invited me over and i left . and for snowboarding . i know the desire is burning within me, it eats me up everyday that im not good at it . i always push myself to the limit to strive for perfection . this saturday, in my head . while carving the ice down the slopes . working on my skillz . all i thought abt is i put so much heart into it, its just not right if i dont leave my peers behind, i have to leave them .. i have to surpass them, i have to be the best there can be . i have to be perfect . that cost me to crash and burn . i wasnt ready for the jumps, when i decided not to jump and pass it by, i got so mad at myself for not trying . the 2nd time, i was goin at it full speed .. 100% speed down the hill, i was 5feet of the ground, airborne . the next thing i knew i was sitting on the floor, passerbys asked me if i was doing ok, i didnt know why they look so worried, i had blood streaming down my face . nose bled a lil, my lips all bit . blood was in my mouth and my forehead was bleeding . no blood no glory? i spit out blood, the shimmering white ice had red spots all around . that is me . i push myself where i can no longer sustain, it hurt? of course it hurt, but within me i was satisfied, cz i knew i tried .. hard, and to those haters out there, u can see me in your eyes as a kid who never grew up or what ever the fcuk you want . but this is me . bite me

im sorry dear, for i strive for perfection and yet i find myself not to be the perfect lover at the time being, for some love is never perfect, but eventhough it is not . i still strive for perfection no matter what . all i wanna say is i miss you alot, memories keep flashing in my mind, you have taken over those memories which been haunting me for the past 2years . you've shown me the impossible, i do not want to exaggerate, but i never even imagine a girl could ever do so many things for the one she love, i never thought that such a person exist, you showed me so much, yet i can only return so little . i have nothing to offer, even worst of all my time is limited and i have so many things to work on . im really sorry i drag you into all of this . i truly am

3 Comments:

Anonymous veroniaz said...

one sad thing is, to realise no one understands u. but the worse is, when u realise those around u don't even understand u at all.. it leads to emptiness. But at least, some tried to... and at least, I believe u don't have to return as much as they did, but I believe appreciation does show something. some do things for the sake of pride, fame.. some are driven by anger. i believe the best is, driven by love. love is the most powerful among all. u have a heart to offer her. when u really give the heart, u'll focus in it... every detail, just as u focus in basketball and snowboarding.
may u balance it out. take care ^^

7:01 AM  
Anonymous wa si ah soon said...

vin,u chose to move on..so cut ur crap...

8:25 AM  
Blogger WeiTieng said...

hey ..takes more than who u r to admit ur faults =) ...shows that u're stronger than that.

i don eat alone too. i'd chose to starve at home, anytime. and yea.. it feels like such a loser goin out alone....

6:26 PM  

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