Thursday, February 15, 2007

Odd One Out

if some are wondering this is a picture taken about a year ago, by my lovely girlfriend caterine, superb angle . well after a day of deletion, theres 10people who msg me. was surfing through friendster today, saw about 10 primary school classmates, man they all grown up so much doing their own thing somewhere, most of em end back in kuching . so i start to wonder why when i was younger when we were all met around an age like 6 or 7, why am i always the odd one out? why would the others hang out at their place and play games, and non never invite me? why? is there something wrong with me? is there something they hate about me? i never got the answer, as i go along . i played for the state team basketball and the sponsor had a favourite player, he bought shoes for him and so on, and i thought maybe they knew each other for a period, later on i found out we all met at the same time. what is there not to like about me? in high school i used to eat alone at the cafeteria, while others had people they belong too, but i had people who reached out to me a couple of times, i dunno what happen after that, maybe they gave up after a while . am i pushing myself to hard to be everyone's number one? or am i wondering far far away where as there was never such a thing in the first place? or is bipolar? been doing a lil research about the symptoms, but im not suicidal yet, when that does occur i will confirm i have bipolar disorder . besides being the odd one out, took a html class today, made me felt how much an idiot i was. it felt kinda good in a way or not . i know a girl whose friend is working for sun micro, whose the creator for java, his is in his twenties, working for a big time company making the Gs, while me sitting in classroom trying how to do html, im a real idiot sometimes. and at times i can think that im doing ok, cz i comfort myself telling myself, i came all this way with my own hands, no help after high school, comforting myself telling myself people who are in the united states working used all their parent's funds to come here, telling myself if they were in my shoes they couldnt do shit, but all that is just to comfort myself, how sad is that . a wandering idiot seeking solace without any forte .


Anonymous veroniaz said...

u are putting up a mirror reflection to me too. That's what I figured out all along. I believe everyone has their own sense of madness inside, and we're all trying to search for the "something" as to balance ourselves out Infact we're never satisfy and always not content. The most scary is, we don't know that after all the hard work, emptiness still haunts us.

*It's always a sad thing to compare, knowing what you have makes life better. (so much better indeed)

6:38 AM  

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