Restless

its very seldom i post consecutive entries in my blog, its been so long since i had this. here it comes again, it strucked once . somewhere around mid year 04 before i came to the states, i remember well i was still with my ex having this bullshit long dist. relationship, everything was goin fine at that time, but suddenly one day i woke up, i felt like the world hated me, if not hated me, wants me dead or disappear from the face of the earth, i felt every look in every human being towards me was just pure hatred. its a weird feeling, and eventually i deleted my friendster and she called to ask what was wrong . nothing was wrong . i just felt like smashing something or destroying something if possible if i can kill someone without being caught guilty later on . a day before valentine's day . that was yesterday i had the exact feeling again . i have no reason or explanation why i feel this way . i have deleted all my contacts on my msn about maybe 250 of them that i have accumulate throughout the years . somehow it makes me feel better that i have shown myself i have no need for anyone to prove of my existence . i was wondering i might have a slight case of bipolar malfunction like the legendary sixth seal . i enjoy pain, i enjoy tormenting myself and making myself feel as sad as possible . i might delete all the phone numbers in my phone book later on . its wierd how better i feel when i make myself believe i have no use for contacting other people, where as i can survive on my own . by making it a fact to myself that not one person that i know care about my existence, therefore i have to make sure i have no feelings for others too .