Forgive
it was saturday evening, i thought i was ready for another go close to 10months since the last experience , and was warned that it was gonna be intense, and a person who was well experienced got lost in the desert for a good 2 hours without water, and had stick in his hand bleeding literally believed he was walking through hell only to have his friends miraculously and literally saved him from heat stroke and death .
approx and hour and a half later, i was floored as they say, and nothing of any sort has ever ever happened to me like that i thought to myself . i even tried writing notes on my phone as we went through the night to try to keep my thoughts in order and for me to review em when i finally woke up from this dream .
i hated on the newbies i wrote, "they all sound the same after one point" he said . i shook my head in disappointment, they all do not sound the same, an experienced person will know where to look for the right beats to bring you to that better place . theres so much more substance than just being there, it is much more complex than that . there is connectivity with the beat, the people who were present, everyone was somewhat connected as one tribe, presenting their most creative and artistic way they could flow or present their soul to their surroundings . i could not stand by him, i could not bear to know a person who was standing next to me had no knowledge or frequency of how complex this current times are . i had to run, shamelessly admitting, i had to run away from that . and i did
there was no coincidence i found the people i yearn for a couple minutes after that even when i was suppose to meet them somewhere else .
but here is when something came and took over, something that was not approved of my mind and soul happened . something i could not grasp with reality on a parallel direction happened . i found myself lost, heartbroken, upset, scared, confused . this was when reality, time and depth got distorted really badly . it was like a nightmare . i couldnt believe what i just saw, i told myself "wake up wake up its just a bad dream thats all . i was the only who saw this, i made it up in my head" i found myself later sitting somewhere alone, not too long after it happened . i was in this place of darkness, for god knows how long, i couldnt speak, cause there was no words in my mind, i could not cry, there was no tears to be shed, i was not scared, there was no fear to be had, i was at this place where it had no name, no light, no sound, no emotions, just this bare emptiness and just existed without any reason . i was nothing
i opened my eyes to see someone sitting in front of me and the first words i spoke was "this isnt real right? that just did not happen right? i made it up right?" i repeated a few times . and the person who sat next to me looked at me and said "yes that just did, and no you didnt make that up, im sorry, and no its not ok" i was really sad that it was real and relief that i woke up from that dark place . but couldnt really tell if i was relief to be awake or rather it be a dream even if it would take eternity to wake up from .
glared into my eyes, i think i could have cried, i couldnt be certain . i asked "what would you do if you were me?" the answer that was given after a few moments of silence was "in what world, in what world would it be ok for me to do that to you? if it so exist, you have to teach me how to love, and trust you again"
to step it up to the next level, to dig deep within your soul . i found a way that i thought i would never never ever would, to sacrifice myself, my pride, my love, myself as a whole to another person . to completely utter gave myself up to be a gift to another person . to be able to tell that person, i forgive you . cause i know if i were to be in that position it would be even harder of a task to forgive myself and heal .
flow was then unleashed not too long after, i didnt had much to go back to, except the flow that i had, released anger, the sadness, the disbelief in one shot . time was still distorted, so did reality, even though iv travelled there once before and told myself that its all gonna come back, just not panic and it will fall back to pieces like sands of time .
30 hours later 5:11am i woke up again . and to have finally accept reality as it is, or at least took in consideration to truly believe in my head as for now we live in this one . i never thought it was possible for a human to shed tears for close to 24hours, the tears just came down and down like rain from the other person . and i found myself here sitting in the dark, pretty much emptiness and left with this dream that has taken place, but this time with no fear of ever not waking up cause i know the sun is rising not too long from now and hope & strength & belief will return at least to me, or this current state of reality that i believe i live in .
posted by jitpunkia at
10:28 AM
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