The Endless Bigger Picture
1st of all, for balan, i havent had d chance yet to take a picture of my street, gonna try to do it next post,2nd of all, shout out to my best bud in the world for turning 23yrs old on 27th march, happy belated birthday. 3rd of all, read an entry of a blog of my brother . abt em rolling em cadillacs, pimpin em hoes and ballin em clubs right abt now . come to think of it . neither of us has been literally rollin em caddilacs or doing those stuff . but wat i learned these past few weeks, was to appreciate 'the moments'. wat moments u may ask. i dunno abt some ppl, but there was lots of times when i felt lost, esp in the streets of KL, those clubs, in Los Angeles, at the beach n tons of places, its not literally meaning lost in 'i cant find my way home' type of lost, but lost as in sitting there, worrying or thinking wat should i do next, or where should i go next. should i head back to the hotel room n call it a night, or keep on wandering on the streets of sg wang to look for smth to fill my time with. and to minimize that kind of 'lost' will mean more time of 'bliss' for me, we din really pimp those hoes or ride em caddilacs or ball em clubs, but we did had our moments, we roll in em convertables, ball em tiesto, pimpin em malaysian chics, we sat at the beach to watch ppl surf n dolphins swim . that was 'bliss', to be living in the moment where u dun think abt where to go or wat to do, u just wanna b there at that moment, that place, that time. ull b lost inside that moment of bliss. i guess thats the happiness we all look for. but without 'lost' there wont b much meaning to 'bliss'. i dun think much ppl know wat crap am i talkin abt in this entry, but its ok. i learn that, those moments of 'bliss' came along, when i tot they would never come again. i still get to meet those special ppl along d way. u all know who u are. if ur reading this rite now. ur on d list ..and when i tot i knew it all. i always find myself at the beginning again, learning new things that i never imagine .. one of those things is to look at the picture n find a new thing on d picture, but the truth was it was there all along, just that i learned a new way of lookin at itthe endless size of the picture of life .
well today at work wasnt the best days i worked there . when everyday i have to take the 405 freeway back home . about 40+kms n the 405 has one of the heaviest traffic in the world esp during 8-10am 2-9pm, i drive app. about 20km per hour , so when u do the math it takes me about 1hour+ each way to get home, once i was caught up to 2hrs on the freeway just to get home . anyways today i took the most outter lane, which means in the middle of the freeway, so i was able to see the faces of ppl goin the other way, i thought about the book i read 'The Alchemist' n how Santiago read the language of the world in sheeps and deserts n how the world consipire to help us succeed . when i woke up this morning i kept telling myself over n over again the whole day 'things are gonna b alrite, things are gonna b alrite' to my suprise, it kinda worked, anyways back to the freeway, so i decided to look at those thousands n thousands of faces on the way home, i saw ppl yawning, ppl singing to the same song that was playing on the radio channel that i was listening, i saw ppl talk on the fon, ppl talkin, sleeping while the driver drives, ppl scratching, ppl lookin back at me . so i was singing to the song on the radio while lookin at the ppl on the freeway . its the language of the world ..that i forgot why was i here in LA . why am i driving on the freeway, why did i chose to resign from my job back home n move here . i forgot i was in one of the most wonderful cities in the world . instead of lookin at the side where it lacks kuching's warmth n love, on the other hand , it has diversity, opporturnity, privacy n u can sit at a starbucks drinking coffee on a sunday afternoon n just drift into the moment, where as in kuching, u cant do that .. it kinda brighten up my day thinking abt the things said in the book .. why am i in LA? why am i breathing californian air? it all came back to the decision i made to come here to look for my own 'treasure', to acheive my dreams of living overseas since i was a kid . like santiago leaving his sheep n pursue his dreams of finding his treasure in the desert . as for him , he met with theives n sand storms etc . same goes to life . as how u view it ..i think, this is the turning point for me . tommorow will be a year n 3mths since iv been here .. theres no more lookin back at my 'sheeps' anymore ..god created desert so that man can appreciate trees
well lets start off here, my arm hasnt heal, i still cant put my arm straight, i think i just got a parking ticket while at work today . 30bucks down the drain . for the first time ever, fail in english, i learned english since i was like 3yrs old? although its not my 1st language, but i know and i speak it like its my 1st language . and right now im taking literature . omg its freaking hard . well anyways . just thought i hang around the library for a while, do some studying on math n might as well read the next assignment . its called 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho . actually i was suppose to read up to page45 for today's class, but out of pure luck i just went n bought it few minutes before class . and about half an hour after class right now . iv read abt mayb near 50pages . i really highly recommed everyone to get this book n read it . its basically about a boy n his struggle with life n the ppl he meets n trying to acheive his dream . its actually about everday life n d things we face ourselves . but its in another version ..it tells abt magic n wonders . well it kinda made me think abt myself n the things i want, n why am i here in Los Angeles right now . its kinda sad when we 'have' to do the things we'r doing rather then 'want' to do the things we'r doing right now . the book made me think about the things iv gone thru to b here . its really a good book n it relates to anyone ..well, back to reading ..
ever been in a whirlpool? LA's the best place to feel that . the energy is so high, n ull feel lost inside it . theres so many ppl around u n yet they are all just strangers . have u ever been to the clubs in KL? dont u feel that d ppl are just so fake n lonely in the big city . imagine a place mayb hundred of times bigger . the life in the big city . the ppl around me, those ppl i saw with my own eyes, housemates, skoolmates, colleagues, friends etc . u cant feel the warmth n heart of anyone . u see ppl leaving just like that . try standing in the middle of d city . ull see ppl walkin pass u n just walkin on by without even noticing ur there at all ppl smile during d weekends n talk and ask how are u doing, n u noe they just ask n talk to u just for the sake of asking, the sincerity is totally not there, u wont feel that u belong anywhere or to any group of ppl, ur just drifting n hanging in there .thats the exact feeling i have .. since iv been here more than a year and 3mths already . ppl just come n leave california just like that, even malaysians . everyone is just walkin to their own place . kuching, a place so small n nth to do during the weekends . but u feel the sense of belonging, n when i look behind me . or even if i dont, ill know that there are ppl behind me that will stand rite behind me . n yet here, when i look behind i dun have anyone here, not a single person, mayb my girl n my mum,n mayb steven n thats it . d rest? are all like strangers just passing by . thats why when friday is coming, i dun even have d hype or energy at all, cz the city has drown it all . i was having dinner with a friend just now . we were talkin abt this, n he said his adapted to the lifestyle, he said he still can b friends or can consider friends that he meet all over, till now . all the ppl i met now .. are just strangers walkin on by ..
friday night, 1123pm . about a year and a half ago . around this time in Kuching, i would be drinking some where with my friends talking crap n still
checking out girls as usual, but due to the life i have now . im living a life of a 60yr old maybe . i dun hit the clubs since nov05 , never smoke, never drink, never dance, i dunno wat else i dun do anymore . for someone so active like me, to totally die down . im disgusted when i look at my hair, my face even, my skin, my weight, my arm especially . cant play ball, cant snowboard (no money for that anyways) . im disgusted when i look at my car . im disgusted lookin at my clothes too, which havent been updated like for mths? evendoh if i get new clothes, i wouldnt have d chance to wear em, during weekends? i would just rot at home . financially disgusted, totally flat, education, none, qualifications, zero . decision making, really really bad . what have i done to myself? i think i need a breather ..
A Friend Named Change
Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortalwas talkin to a few friends the last few weeks abt the old carefree times, and how things has changed just in a this coming years, some were within a few years, some even a few mths . i guess come to look at it . its not that sad actually, just that when u think of it, people change all d time, time changes ppl in some ways, sometimes we dont feel that wev change but at the same time we keep questioning ourselves 'how come those ppl i know are no longer the ppl i once knew?', they change together with time . but fact of the matter is, wev changed too .. along with time, just that we dun realize it . but some ppl will always remain in my heart till the day i perish .. like a very best friend of mine who left this world when we were just 17 . 6yrs ago he died in an road accident . ronnie sng . he din get to have that shot like all of us have rite now . to have a shot at our dreams, not even say to acomplish his dreams, but just to have a shot at it . i dreamt of him the other nite,in my sleep, both of us playing ball together etc . but friends come n go . its like ur always on this journey on ur own, on a train on ur own, heading ur own destination, ppl come, ppl go, some have to get off earlier cz their heading to a diffrent destination then us, some stay longer but in the end . its gonna b just u at the end of d stop . i guess the most u can make out of memories, are to let those memories b happy ones, n keep it with ur heart n cherish it . n at d same time its kinda sad, why that happy or special moment have to end, but really thinking of it, if it doesnt come to an end . it wouldnt b as special as it is . if u take sugar at a large amount continuously u wouldnt feel d sweetness at all one day .. i guess it comes down to something like that ..all things are the same, work, school, friends, bball mates, cars, clothes, even ur ownself ..they all change .. at an alarming rate, dont they ..