Death Is A Design

the fan is twirling full speed, the light is shining brightly in the room, the keyboard on the laptop feels warm . and the music is pumping thru the headphones like its nobodys business . and the thoughts that keep turning in and out of my head is that i think im sick in the head . i love emotional torture . i love to feel sad, i hate to be happy, i love the feeling of anger . i feel no sadness for people's lost or death . i dun expect anyone to feel sad if im gone or perish from this face of this world . i love the pain in my heart . it makes me feel alive . i love to see blood on my body . like couple months ago . i flew couple feet of the ground and crash onto ice . my beanin flew away, my goggles were buried in the snow . i was spitting blood, my lips were all bit . my nose was bleeding . blood came down streaming down my face . but i love it . seeing all that red on the white snow . makes me feel iv pushed myself .
last nite abigail messaged me on msn asking how was i doing? why in the world would she want to know anyway? our lives doesnt revolve around each other . we only know each other by name . slightly better compare to the guy that pass me on the freeway this morning . we say hello when we see each other just for the sake of asking, theres no sincerity in those 'hi's and 'hello's . i wouldnt care if anyone perish tommorow . i wouldnt xpect anyone to care about my death, it would occur tommorow .
maybe one day when i gather all my guts . there should be some adrenaline in cutting myself .

p.s 5 miles is the lenght of our friendship . and i thought his my 'closest' buddy here in LA

Bukan Diriku

this is an old picture of me sitting on a window's desktop, and suddenly a girl told me she had a crush on me 5-6yrs ago . made me wonder u just never know what ur gonna get in life . i used to love this pic alot . it seems peaceful with the blue skies . but she said it looks kinda lonely . lookin at in a different angle . it is kinda lonely . i got to admit . i am the one with the decision to let things be like this, yet im not used to it . i see white corrollas driving by on the freeway, reminds me of her . suddenly my small bed feels like its too big for me, especially when im about to sleep . waking up in the morning with no one to talk to . sitting on the computer without a anyone nagging me to spend time with them .

another friend said . love is not a math . it cannot be calculate or be return the exact amount . she said im just killin myself . said that im too much of a perfectionist . trying to be a perfect lover where as no one in the world can be such a person she said . maybe it will be one of the biggest mistakes in my life . but one thing for sure . im unsure of my heart . when i compare to the previous r/ship . she does deserve so much more . so much more . and my capability to love someone is at a pathetic level . i feel bad and guilty for her mum who put in so much effort and time and love to raise her, only to be taken care of someone like me . i feel im not doing a worthy job for all those who care n love her with all their hearts . iv made too many girls cry in my life . and everytime they do . i cant stand it . its eating me up inside making me feel like im not worth living .

i promise myself, i will try my best not to make any girls cry anymore, in my life . im so over michelle aka the haunting of the ex . just that i cant accept myself being someone not with a full heart . im so sorry ..

the song by samsons - bukan diriku .. just singing my heart out .