Ice Drug

spend an hour sitting here trying to upload my fav video from youtube . finally got it done . sigh . this is all i can think about day and night literally, day and night . the location of this surfers are at mountain high , so called southern california closest ski resort, during weekends its pack with so many people, its like the whole LA is there to snowboard, lots of good snowboarders and noobs as well .. i got the music in my ipod . and i make sure it last 7hrs at least this time, while listenin to armin van buuren, pvd while rocking the slopes .

this people doing those trick are dope, and also crazy, cause of the snow here aint powder, its mostly ice, so if you fall, you'll break your leg, its like falling on concrete, this is how i bust my forehead .

till next time . counting the days till i surf ..

Desire

theres few words that can desribe the person named marvin, stubborn, vain, at times annoying and constantly self proclaim to be something or someone .

anyways . this past saturday, i went to mountain high, an hour drive from LA . heading north east towards Las Vegas direction . i do not possess any pics from the event because it was the first time in my life that i went to do something alone . the obsession of snow has taken over . i have to kill the addiction by hitting the slopes to carve some ice . i was suprise at myself . for 23yrs i have never ever .. did anything on my own . all the time i have to someone accompany me . even for a simple meal, i would call my friends . but back home usually they would call me . to those who are reading, i deeply appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, u guys know who are . but in another life not too long later . i find myself in a totally diff situation, where the handphone is known as the cell phone .. it never rings anymore . even the fear of loneliness is so overwhelming . i rather starve at home than go outside for a meal alone . i hate the fact that i feel like im a loser with no friends if im eating alone . n yet my theories of life is to be cocky and not to lose face to anyone . even it means not making friends .. that is why my circle is so small in life . dont you think its weird it contradicts each other? and also the strive to perfection is one of the other desire that is making my life hard . when i do something i have to be the best or at least i need to know i am the best in the shortest period . i tend to leave my friends behind, like when i started playing ball at 10, by the age of 15 . iv already surpass all my peers who trained together with me, in the end i chose to leave them . i told myself, the better must move on, they cant live with the weak, so i chose to play for the championship team that we work so hard to beat . they invited me over and i left . and for snowboarding . i know the desire is burning within me, it eats me up everyday that im not good at it . i always push myself to the limit to strive for perfection . this saturday, in my head . while carving the ice down the slopes . working on my skillz . all i thought abt is i put so much heart into it, its just not right if i dont leave my peers behind, i have to leave them .. i have to surpass them, i have to be the best there can be . i have to be perfect . that cost me to crash and burn . i wasnt ready for the jumps, when i decided not to jump and pass it by, i got so mad at myself for not trying . the 2nd time, i was goin at it full speed .. 100% speed down the hill, i was 5feet of the ground, airborne . the next thing i knew i was sitting on the floor, passerbys asked me if i was doing ok, i didnt know why they look so worried, i had blood streaming down my face . nose bled a lil, my lips all bit . blood was in my mouth and my forehead was bleeding . no blood no glory? i spit out blood, the shimmering white ice had red spots all around . that is me . i push myself where i can no longer sustain, it hurt? of course it hurt, but within me i was satisfied, cz i knew i tried .. hard, and to those haters out there, u can see me in your eyes as a kid who never grew up or what ever the fcuk you want . but this is me . bite me

im sorry dear, for i strive for perfection and yet i find myself not to be the perfect lover at the time being, for some love is never perfect, but eventhough it is not . i still strive for perfection no matter what . all i wanna say is i miss you alot, memories keep flashing in my mind, you have taken over those memories which been haunting me for the past 2years . you've shown me the impossible, i do not want to exaggerate, but i never even imagine a girl could ever do so many things for the one she love, i never thought that such a person exist, you showed me so much, yet i can only return so little . i have nothing to offer, even worst of all my time is limited and i have so many things to work on . im really sorry i drag you into all of this . i truly am

The Hunger

iv been up to the mountain the 4th time this season, i have doubled how many times i went snowboarding last season so early into the season . all i have in my mind is the ice, day n night . its like a drug . im hooked, or u can say 'iced' . the last memory i had of being so addicted to smth was when i started ballin, throughout the day my hands would itch and they were dying just to touch the ball . its this hunger and this beast within me, must be subdue before it goes out of hand . i cant stand just being an average joe . i cant sleep well at night knowing the fact that im a beginner, a noob at something . i have to exceed it's limit, surpass all peers n lead the pack in whatever i do . sometimes its a bad thing for people around me might find that im cocky and feel that im mr-too-good-for-everybody, but being hard of myself just to excel for my own individual hunger is the sole purpose . if that offended u, im truly sorry . but to all the haters out there . i dont really give a fcuk what you think about me . i am me . you can judge, you can hate but ill stil be me .

one thing about snowboarding that relates to dwyane wade from the miami heat is that evrytime i fall it reminds me of his saying . fall 7 times, get up 8 . he hits d deck from time to time, and he still stands up no matter what . a very good theory in life . no matter how many times i fall . im still gonna get up, despite the pain and all those feeling of giving up .. ill still stand ..

The Return Of The Son

i called my mum, telling her that im goin home today, on the phone, i can hear her voice of excitement to see her son again after more than a year since i moved out, the same time i can hear her tone that is worrying about me to see or hear me again like those endless days of tears . she called again couple hours later to make sure she didnt get her hopes too high incase i changed my mind the last minute . so im where i was 2yrs ago . it was fun, and i learn alot throughout the journey, we shared tears and laughter along the way . but i guess i couldnt get over myself, for being so selfish . the thing is, im still searching for myself, to see who i am, to see where im going . its so hard at the same time, when i said i dont have a career, with no money, the fact is it doesnt change everything, but it does help . im not complaning about my job, the money is not super, but it aint the worst . just that ih have to put alot of hours in it . that concludes that it takes away alot of my time, and that means it taking away 'our' time . so money always helps no matter how you view it . but its all good . its time we take a break or a 'full time out' as they say baller words . its time we take a breather and to see who we are, and see what do we need and want . well, at least i need to find out, to refine, to do a lil soul searching, at the same time we can do the things we couldnt do all this while . i may sound selfish and self-centered, maybe i am . maybe i do need to grow . but no matter what it is . its the call we made for now . things would b better .. for sure

2007

these are a few pictures of december, a picture of the first sunset of 2007, me and my new booard and snow crew during xmas, armin van buuren countdown . well people come and go, its been over 2yrs since i arrived to this city, at times i feel like i might end up somewhere else, then at times i feel i might even stay here for a long long time to come . besides my dear aunts who sometimes vizit this blog . i sometimes wonder who else has nothing better to do and come to see whats going on in my life, well if you are reading this, dont be offended, im just curious who are they people who actually come here n check this site out . over a short period of time people come and go, some went on with their own paths some lost, some still lookin for a way, whatever it is, its a brand new year to all of us who are reading this still . maybe 5yrs ago i dont find anything special about a new year or any significance to it, but this year . i do cherish everything that has happen to me, to lead me to where i am right now . i may not work the best job, or have the most money, but i do have my health and im workin very hard to the direction i think is the right one for me . compared to last year where i lost my wallet and instead of dancing the night away, i was at my friend's place watching the new york ball drop . sad story . anyways i guess i can feel its gonna be a long long time till i go to another rave again . the feeling is slowly fading away , ill find something to indulge and to be obesses with for sure . snowboarding is slowly infecting my blood and taking over basketball which i love with all my heart, but its all good . once every 10years .. comes an obessesion ..

for all of you out there, may this new year be a good one to all of us ..