I Miss My Ah Ma

i miss my grandma ...

"Friends"

when i ball or when i snowboard, my mind goes into a totally diffrent dimension, im totally lost in the moment where i have to make the magic happen or at least something that keeps my mind on it . but once im off that, i keep thinkin n thinkin about all those nonsense . i say i dont miss home, i say i dont miss my buddies back home . or do i? i have no answer for that question . its kinda sad in a way that people say i gain lots of friends n get to know lots of people, but from my view, "friends" is totally a diffrent definition for me, in this world . i have passed the average number of people a person should know . i think i know around 600 - 800 people? but i have only less than 10 "friends". its kinda sad especially when i find out i type more on the keyboard then i actually talk to people . i have lost all my friends back home, and i have not gain any friends here . some people tell me its the quality not the quantity, but for heaven's sake, i dont even have both of them . but still the show must go on ....

Partners In Crime

well, i dont own a camera for now. so the house party on chinese new year's eve with around 40something people, laksa, beer and lots of wine . will see if i get my hands on the pictures of that night, its kinda of a celebration since i miss 3rd chinese new year back home, i miss hanging out with my buddies a lil, those who accept me for being me and still look for me constantly. here, on chinese new year day 1, back home usually ill go gambling somewhere with my friends, but here its a diffrent kinda of vibe, since i dont have much buddies to hang out with. i went on the ice again with my partner. the picture above is his arsenal and mine together. wev been goin total of 6 times together this season and i went twice without him, once he was in mammoth

snowboarding, and once i went alone where i got my face bleeding from the ice. he told me life in the big city is like this, i guess so huh, its not that i havent accept it since iv been here well over 2yrs, i just still sometimes wish its a lil diffrent here. im sitting here lookin at the computer wondering what to do, instead of doing something progressive like reading my books for school, instead i chose to sit here looking at the monitor and start to think nonsense, lookin at my messenger which had almost 300people, now with 5people online, it has its good and its bad i guess, even with so many people online, why should i go message them? why should i care? isnt it better to have no online so i can force myself not to care about others? my mum is downstairs, im sure she wanna talk to me about all my problems and the way i think, but somehow i just cant seem to relate it well with her. im such a selfish person, i guess i cant blame anyone not talking to me, if i were someone else, i wouldnt wanna talk to me too. im so worried about not being a loser, yet a true winner is a person who worries how to keep being a winner. is that true? i dont want to say im a loser, it sounds kinda stupid, but i guess im a true pessimist. its so hard for me to see things positively and im always cautious not to give others the slightest chance to take advantage of me. i guess this is what iv become, and limiting my own ability to socialize, even worst the location that iv been dreaming of, a huge metropolitan, with so many people makes it as if im living in a huge huge place with nobody at all . this is such a sad story... just wanna let out whats in my mind.

Odd One Out

if some are wondering this is a picture taken about a year ago, by my lovely girlfriend caterine, superb angle . well after a day of deletion, theres 10people who msg me. was surfing through friendster today, saw about 10 primary school classmates, man they all grown up so much doing their own thing somewhere, most of em end back in kuching . so i start to wonder why when i was younger when we were all met around an age like 6 or 7, why am i always the odd one out? why would the others hang out at their place and play games, and non never invite me? why? is there something wrong with me? is there something they hate about me? i never got the answer, as i go along . i played for the state team basketball and the sponsor had a favourite player, he bought shoes for him and so on, and i thought maybe they knew each other for a period, later on i found out we all met at the same time. what is there not to like about me? in high school i used to eat alone at the cafeteria, while others had people they belong too, but i had people who reached out to me a couple of times, i dunno what happen after that, maybe they gave up after a while . am i pushing myself to hard to be everyone's number one? or am i wondering far far away where as there was never such a thing in the first place? or is bipolar? been doing a lil research about the symptoms, but im not suicidal yet, when that does occur i will confirm i have bipolar disorder . besides being the odd one out, took a html class today, made me felt how much an idiot i was. it felt kinda good in a way or not . i know a girl whose friend is working for sun micro, whose the creator for java, his is in his twenties, working for a big time company making the Gs, while me sitting in classroom trying how to do html, im a real idiot sometimes. and at times i can think that im doing ok, cz i comfort myself telling myself, i came all this way with my own hands, no help after high school, comforting myself telling myself people who are in the united states working used all their parent's funds to come here, telling myself if they were in my shoes they couldnt do shit, but all that is just to comfort myself, how sad is that . a wandering idiot seeking solace without any forte .

Restless

its very seldom i post consecutive entries in my blog, its been so long since i had this. here it comes again, it strucked once . somewhere around mid year 04 before i came to the states, i remember well i was still with my ex having this bullshit long dist. relationship, everything was goin fine at that time, but suddenly one day i woke up, i felt like the world hated me, if not hated me, wants me dead or disappear from the face of the earth, i felt every look in every human being towards me was just pure hatred. its a weird feeling, and eventually i deleted my friendster and she called to ask what was wrong . nothing was wrong . i just felt like smashing something or destroying something if possible if i can kill someone without being caught guilty later on . a day before valentine's day . that was yesterday i had the exact feeling again . i have no reason or explanation why i feel this way . i have deleted all my contacts on my msn about maybe 250 of them that i have accumulate throughout the years . somehow it makes me feel better that i have shown myself i have no need for anyone to prove of my existence . i was wondering i might have a slight case of bipolar malfunction like the legendary sixth seal . i enjoy pain, i enjoy tormenting myself and making myself feel as sad as possible . i might delete all the phone numbers in my phone book later on . its wierd how better i feel when i make myself believe i have no use for contacting other people, where as i can survive on my own . by making it a fact to myself that not one person that i know care about my existence, therefore i have to make sure i have no feelings for others too .

Never Summer

and so it is, like u said it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time .. the winter is half way thru, been goin shredding every week since dec16th, i cant bliv how much iv spent on it, and how fast i can go now on the snow . probably like 50km per hour . anyways, the feeling of the cold wind blowing in my face, the adrenaline pumping thru my blood . its almost the feeling of my best summer here in the states, 2yrs ago . but it all went away within 2-3mths, people suddenly disappear doing their own thing . i bet this 2 pictures are gonna be the same within 1 or 2months from now . its sad in a way, but its alrite maybe its the LA culture . i dunno . but anyways im soaking it all in as much as i can, eventually ill be not only carving ice on my own, but also carving my life story on my own too . readers who read this, do not pity or feel sorry for me, cause i dun feel a thing when some life other than myself leaves me . im cold to the bone, like the snow . i havent found tears in my eyes or heart for a long long time . it sometimes feels a lil hollow .

happy valentine's day to the people of the world .

note: due to the phone book theory i have, i have to start cleansing my msn list, i have near 200+ people on my list, averaging 70 people are online at the same time, and i get 2 ppl who msgs me if im LUCKY.

Ai Wo Sakebu

iv seen many people write about this . i was just thinking abt it myself . what are the most top ten things i love?

i love:
1. snowboarding
2. street wear clothes / my boxers too
3. basketball
4. my shoes
5. sushi
6. being in love / sex; re-edit for steven
7. computer / internet
8. music / ipod
9. compliments
10.eggs

the top 10 things i love with just split second consideration ...
since everything is going right for me this week . making lots of Gs during work, my boss might have someboday to take my sunday shifts . snowboarding .. let the good luck continue .. god bless you, to those who are reading this blog from time to time , and be safe .

p.s i was snowboarding with a fellow kuchingite, kinda rare, eddie aka cook engineer